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Mama Sutras Series

Yoga Sutra 1.1: “Now is the Time for Yoga”

Eternal Clock

In this second examination of the first sutra (the first part can be found here), I’ll approach it from a deconstruction of the sutra. Next time, I’ll look at it from a parenting perspective.

This first sutra acts as an introduction for all that come after. It sets the stage for the listener to understand and incorporate the philosophy into daily life. Some schools of thought on the Yoga Sutras say that all of them can be summarized into this one sutra.

The sutras were originally shared orally in Sanskrit, and the words have multiple meanings that persist far deeper than in the English translation. There are multiple translations of even this seemingly straightforward sentence. But, this one is my favorite because of the many ways that the English words can be approached and used.

It is, for me, a mantra that I return to as a centering practice. Although I chant it in Sanskrit, it is the English translation that I spend the most time meditating on because it is my native language and is, therefore, alive for me.

Like the posts that will come after in this series, this post is another introduction to enter into the Sutras. Studying the Sutras is the work of a lifetime, and I don’t claim to do more than scratch the surface with my thoughts on them. My hope is to help make them accessible to you.

A common theme in Yoga is to be open to lessons presented to you, to take what speaks to you now and think deeply on it. Don’t disregard the rest. Rather, put them aside until they feel there is a feeling of curiosity about them. The Sutras, like all the forms of Yoga, can be brought into any philosophical, spiritual or religious belief system. They are tools to help you explore what is true in your life.

Most westerners think of physical poses when they think of Yoga. Those poses, called, Asanas, are one of the legs that are laid out in the Yoga Sutras as tools for exploration. Asana is a preparation for deeper work. Once you have moved and stretched the body, it is ready to be still. Meditation or thinking about things comes more easily without the complaints of a stiff body to distract.

Just as you can see asana as a part of the Sutras, you can see the Sutras within the practice of asana. They are tools to focus the mind to think about whatever it is that you want to think about without distractions.

Now is the Time for Yoga.

The word “now” reminds us that this is really all there is. Right now. We remember the past and we imagine the future, but those are abstract feelings of time. All that really can be grounded into is what is being experienced right now (I won’t go into the projections of the self in this experience here, of course. That’s for later posts.)

If we can stay fully present in now, we can also be fully engaged in what we’re doing. We aren’t caught up in what might have been or what could be. We are paying attention.

That’s not to say that you don’t live without thinking about consequences. Rather, the consequences of actions are a part of what you are doing in that moment. It is an authentic way to live with truth and compassion.

Now also presupposes some degree of preparation. Now is the time to settle in because all that has come before has led you to this time and place. There is no more judgment of what has happened, because you are here.

And this moves us into time. If we think of now as a place on a timeline, with the past being to our left and the future to our right, we can stand here in the middle and breathe deeply from the balance of each point in time. Time is always moving and we move along with it, from one now into another now. This gives us the ability to act with mindfulness while we flow through it.

Breathe more. React less.

There’s more time now to really think about what we want since we’re here, now. We’re prepared and present. Without worrying about what will happen or what has happened, there’s room for connection with ourselves and others.

Which is one meaning of Yoga: union. A bringing together. A connection. A willingness to be open to what is. To radically accept what is real and to find the compassion to face it. With this union of time in reality, comes a responsibility for compassion. Another meaning of the word Yoga: is “to yoke.” Whether we like to admit it or not, we are tied to what is around us. While we have no control about what others do, remembering that we have this push-pull connection helps us again, to take action from a place of empathy.

***
The word Sutra means thread. Threads can be traced. They can have a beginning and an end. They can be stitched into the fabric that we have already woven. They can tie things together or mend broken places.

Threads can be so thin that we don’t notice them at first, like walking through a spider web. But, once we have noticed the threads, we walk with greater presence of mind as we look for more of them. And, if you have ever walked through a spider web, you’ll know what it means to be fully in the now.

***

Namaste

For more resources, I have gathered my most dog-eared books on the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali here and here.

Other entries in this series can be found in the Mama Sutras.

How often do you stay in the now? Is it a practice for you to stay fully present or do you find yourself flitting from the past to the future? Do you have other interpretations of the first Sutra that you’d like to share? I’d love to hear from you.

Photo Credit: Robert VanderSteeg on Flickr

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Last year, I began a project using the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali as a framework for looking at gentle parenting and mindful living off the mat. I left the series for awhile as I explored some natural tangents into Buddhism. But, I’m ready to return to the Yoga Sutras. I’ll begin with my original post in the series here, reflecting further on Sutra 1.1 in a later post. I hope you enjoy this reboot.

****

virabhadrasana II

Image by whatnot via Flickr

Saving-face: Adding second-face to the preface

Or the esoteric subtitle: Introduction to the Mama Sutras

Sutra 1.1: “Now is the Time for Yoga” Part the First

One of the projects I am exploring with TouchstoneZ is life off the yoga mat. And I plan to do this by thinking about and utilizing “The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali” in daily life, which means mostly while parenting and spousing (or espousing, as the case may be.) So, for those not familiar with the Yoga Sutras or even yoga, I reassure you (please bring those glazing eyes back into focus) that this will be accessible to other parents (especially the crunchy ones) regardless of any interest in Yoga.

I spend a good portion of my time practicing Yoga “on the mat.” By Yoga, I don’t just mean yoga asanas, or postures that you perform in a studio on a sticky mat. Asanas are a preparation for the body to be able to sit comfortably. But, Yoga as a whole really is just a way to practice how to sit comfortably with emotions, physical sensations, outside stimuli, and philosophical ideas (both deep and shallow.) I think most people are more familiar with yoga as an asana class, and this familiarity with one limb of Yoga is readily accessible to understand the whole. If you’ve ever been in (or seen) an asana class where the teacher asks the students to hold Warrior 2 (Virabhadrasana II) for an unreasonable amount of time, then you can begin to understand what I mean. Imagine you are standing in Warrior 2 (please stay with me now. It’s a meta-four, ya’ see) and your front thigh begins to demand your attention, along the lines of the unreasonableness of holding the pose for one moment longer. Thoughts arise, such as:

  • I can’t believe she’s making us stay here this long.
  • My thigh hurts. It’s screaming.
  • Easy for her to say, she’s walking around the room while I’m in pain.
  • My old knee injury from college track is cropping up now.
  • I can’t do this.
  • I’m not doing this.
  • Insert your own personal complaints here.

And whatever other things that you brought with you to the mat, such as:

  • I knew this would happen.
  • Look at him, he can do this pose so much better than I can.
  • I shouldn’t have come to this class. No one else is struggling.
  • I suck at yoga. I’m never coming back.
  • Insert your own personal self-flagellations here

This is where the Yoga asana as meditation comes in. Without Yoga practice, I would follow those thoughts, like hopping a train speeding along the tracks, to the end of the line: unhappiness and suffering station. Taking my practice on the mat, to stand in Warrior 2, and remain, still and steady with all these thoughts going through my head (along with the grocery list, my eighth grade spelling bee experience, a conversation I’d had that morning, whether my comfy jeans were in thedryer, etc, etc, etc, ad naseum) without evaluating the thoughts as good or bad, is why I practice Yoga. Sure, it would be nice to have the body of that lithe ballerina b*tch in the front row, but I what I really want is to be able to sit with whatever thoughts and feelings arise in me without allowing them to rock my world. I would like to be in the habit, especially when a 4 year old presses my buttons, “These thoughts just arise as a natural occurrence in my brain when it meets a point of resistance, of unreasonableness. My thoughts are not me. My mind is not me.” However, my mind is quite clever (if I do say so with humility) at finding every route to getting me on board that train to the end of the line. My daily Yoga practice is like my free pass to get on and off the train wherever I wish, finding new tracks when the old ones are not serving me.

Sounds ideal, doesn’t it? It is ideal. My real world is like my sticky mat were covered in vomit, snot, slobber, cereal, hugs, kisses, energy, and exhaustion. So, I have to learn to practice Yoga even with all this crud covering it. I can’t wash it off and I wouldn’t want to. It is my life that I have chosen. If I want to be the parent person I want to be, I need Yoga practice. And I need to find ways to practice it off the mat because, as a parent of three small boys, even Yoga off the mat is a luxury that is necessary.

Read more in Do You Know What Sucks? PPD Sucks: Part the Second,  Sutra 1.1, “Now is the time for Yoga”

Even if you have never been in Warrior 2 in your life, I will bet you can remember a situation when your thoughts tried to talk you out of doing something. How did you handle it? Did you catch a ride on your train? Were you able to observe the thoughts, be with them without judging them, and go ahead anyway?

 

Other Posts in The Original Series:

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Part 7 in my Series on Giving and Forgiving

You can also read Part 1: Deck the Halls with PsychoAnal Gifts, Part 2: The Spirit of Giving and Forgiving, Part 3: Balancing the Four Rooms, Part 4: The Candy Cane Crux, and Part 5: Why I Don’t Believe in Santa Claus, and Part 6: A Parenting Carol: Being A Ghost Story of Christmas.


Wanted: Santa

Wanted: Santa

This jolly old elf is responsible for the crime of calling attention to a major problem in my home.

Clutter.

I was almost through wrapping presents when I began feeling slightly ill. There was so much stuff! How were my kids going to deal with so many things? I don’t know how many gifts are too many, but somewhere during the wrapping, I crossed that line.

More stuff was coming into my already overstuffed house. And once something comes into my house, the odds are good that it will stay.

If the item is for my husband, it stays. He keeps everything. I don’t judge him for that. He kept everything when I met him and he still has everything all these years later. I’m sure his junior high girl friend would be pleased to know he still has the notes she passed to him in class. Every computer he has ever owned is in our garage. Ski boots that are too small have accompanied us over four moves, and he doesn’t even ski. I managed to pass on those ski boots, but it took him 10 years to let them go.

If the items coming into the house are for the kids, they most likely fit well into my weak spot: educational play. The possibilities for learning and fun are enough for me to keep the toy. It doesn’t matter whether they have no interest in it or if it is a marginally different repeat of one we already have. The mere possibility that the kids might enjoy and learn gives it a home. I can always justify it for when they kids get bigger or because they each have different personalities, perhaps one would take to it better. I’ve got a million rationalizations, but the truth is a bit deeper.

If the gifts are for me, however, I can downsize without much effort. I used to have a problem with holding on to things, but I went through a semi-obsessed purge after losing my daughter. Since then, I am more detached from objects. Apparently, this is not uncommon after a loss. I remember my midwife saying that she has seen many mothers include their partners in the purge. While I kept my purge to inanimate objects, I can see how easy it would be to toss relationships while in that mindset after a loss. My hold on reality was tenuous. I was directly confronting the transience of objects and of existence. There were no possibilities or future for me, I existed in the present. But, not in a good way.

I think this flirtation with death is part of why I have trouble letting go of the toys for the kids, too. I can’t face the possibility of their impermanence. I balk at detachment to their bright futures. Their things are tangible representations for me of their futures.vAnd, possibly, through them my own mortality can be hidden from me.

Afrikaans: 'n Klassieke Westerse uitbeelding v...

Image via Wikipedia

I’m staring at Saint Nick and seeing the grim reaper.

And that’s where I think the entire winter season of holidays and observances is rooted. It’s human nature to fear the dark and trust the light. The longest night also heralds the return of more light. Neither is permanent. Each is a balance. Impermanence and inevitability. Staying attached to either won’t create anything but suffering. Light and dark will change whether I hold on to one of them anyway. Death and life are natural, but not something we enjoy thinking about all of the time.

The possibilities of impermanence are still far more palatable to me than remaining static and unchanging, even if it means facing immortality.

When I look at gifts as a representation of possibility, they also seem to be an affirmation of life. I believe it is this, slightly misplaced, ideal that we hold when we give too much and hold onto it all. And the converse can be true when we feel we don’t deserve joy or life, when we can’t receive or hold onto gifts that are given to us.

What do you think about the symbology of gifts as potential joy and wishes for life? Can you give too many gifts when viewed this way? Do you have trouble getting rid of, or the opposite, holding onto everything that is given to you?

Remember, anonymous comments are always welcome. I’d love to hear from you.

***

  • Questions from Part 1: Have you ever been charged for receiving a gift? Do you have expectations when you give to someone else?
  • Questions from Part 2: Do you feel that giving and receiving freely is important or is a gift a gift? What do you think about the concept that giving objects are a representation of the feelings inside?
  • Questions from Part 3: Do you visit the four rooms of your house? Are there any areas you need to offer the key of self-forgiveness before you unlock them?
  • Questions from Part 4: How do you handle candy in your family? Is giving candy in a separate category from giving gifts? Why or why not?
  • Questions from Part 5: How do you reconcile the idea of Santa Claus with your worldview? Do you treat the magic of childhood as something intertwined with the spirit of giving and forgiving?
  • Questions from Part 6: If you were visited by the ghosts of parenting past, present and future, what would your visits look like? Would you see joy and pain in the past? How does that inform your present? And how do you think it will affect your children’s future relationship with you?

I hope you will feel moved to respond, especially on your own blog or here, as a guest post. I’ll happily share responses that add to this interesting discussion.

This article contains all original content by TouchstoneZ.com and is protected by copyright. If you are viewing this post on another site than TouchstoneZ.com please notify the author at zoie.touchstonez(at)gmail.com
Image Credit: Kevin Dooley on Flickr
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Part 6 in my Series on Giving and Forgiving

You can also read Part 1: Deck the Halls with PsychoAnal Gifts, Part 2: The Spirit of Giving and Forgiving, Part 3: Balancing the Four Rooms, Part 4: The Candy Cane Crux, and Part 5: Why I Don’t Believe in Santa Claus.

I have been incredibly moved by the response to this series. Thank you to everyone who has reached out to connect. While I was writing one of the posts in this series, I realized I was aching to hear from the voices of parents I admire. One of these is the guest writer today. What she shares here has far exceeded my expectations. I gets to the heart of the many facets of giving and forgiving yourself and those you love. Today, I am honored to present a ghost post from Vickie of Demand Euphoria.

***

Cover of "A Christmas Carol"

Cover of A Christmas Carol

You’re a parent of a young child. You are struggling with exhaustion and complicated life issues. You are pretty sure you want to be a gentle parent, but you are finding it more and more difficult to do so as your child gets older. Today was a particularly difficult day, in which your child had more than a few meltdowns, and subsequently so did you…

It’s the middle of the night. You wake up from a sound sleep when you hear a noise. You are used to waking up to comfort your child who still doesn’t sleep through the night, but tonight is different. Your child is still blissfully asleep. You wake up into a dream-like state, to hear a strange voice with an even stranger message: Tonight, you will be visited by three spirits…

You are pretty sure it’s part of a dream, so you roll over and continue your sleep. Another voice wakes you up shortly after. There is a person next to your bed. You are scared but the person looks friendly, and explains she is the ghost of parenting past.

Copy of Original illustration from "A Chr...

Image via Wikipedia

The ghost whisks you away to your childhood home. You are looking in the window at a scene from your childhood. You see yourself at the same age as your child is now. You have your head hanging in shame as your mother is yelling at you. You remember the day well.

You didn’t want to bother your mother while she was sleeping, so you tried to pour yourself a glass of milk. The jug was heavy and you spilled milk all over the kitchen counter and floor. In trying to clean it up by yourself, you only made the mess even bigger.

 

Your mother walked in. She didn’t ask questions. She only yelled. She yelled about how naughty you were. She commanded you to come over so she could hit you. Then she sent you to your room. You were still thirsty.

Watching this scene again as an adult is particularly painful. You want to go give your younger self a hug and a big glass of milk. You want to go tell your mom that if she had only asked for an explanation, she would not have reacted that way.

Now you start to see flashes of other scenes from your childhood. All different times when you were called naughty, punished, and sent away. All different times when you were misunderstood. When you needed something and no one asked you what it was.

Suddenly you are back in your bed at home. You go to check on your child and are relieved to find her still asleep. Another voice echos from the other room. It’s the ghost of parenting present.

This ghost shows you times when your child is happiest, when you are gentle, supportive, in tune with her needs. When you have time for her. When you put down whatever you are busy with and play with her. When you get involved in things she is most interested in, even if that means watching the same movie for the third time in one day. You even get to watch a scene of your daughter telling her friends what a nice mommy she has.

This ghost also shows the struggles. You watch as your child gets overwhelmed with life, collapses into your arms and feels safe. You watch the times when you are better at handling the difficulties, when your own needs are met. You watch the times when you are drained and your child’s meltdown leads to one of your own. You know it’s because you are tired, you are frustrated, you feel helpless.

A Christmas Carol (1843) English: Mr. Fezziwig...

Image via Wikipedia

Back in your bed, another voice: the ghost of parenting future.

You are looking at yourself in twenty years. You are awaiting the arrival of a someone special. Your child walks up the path to your house, baby in arms. You open the door and greet each other with big smiles and warm hugs. She is as excited to see you as you are to see her.

The future scenes are exciting. You are friends with your grown child. You do fun things together. You talk about everything that matters. She trusts you. She wants you in her life. You have succeeded in the most important way, by upholding your half of  this beautiful relationship with your child.

*************

Window on Parenting

Window on Parenting. Photo Credit: Ghost Writer

What would your visits look like?

What scenes would the ghost show you from your past? Times when your parents misunderstood you and your relationship suffered? Times when you were punished and made to feel ashamed and guilty?

What would it be like to watch yourself as a child in these situations again? Did you deserve to be treated that way? What did these experiences do for your relationship with your parents?

What about the present? If you could watch yourself be a parent to your child from outside your body, would you be proud of how you are handling yourself? Would you see lots of scenes of relationship-building, of strengthening your bond with your child?

Would you see yourself apologizing when you haven’t been the parent you know you want to be? Are you being the friend to your child now that you hope to be in the future?

And what about the future? Will your child look forward to spending time with you? Will she trust you? Will your relationship be strong and healthy? Will she have other healthy and beautiful relationships?

This was inspired by all of the different versions of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol that we have watched on television this holiday season. If only we could all be visited by these three ghosts…

Asking yourself these questions can help you find the true spirit of giving and forgiving. I hope you will feel moved to respond, especially on your own blog or here, as a guest post. I’ll happily share responses that add to this interesting discussion.

Remember, anonymous comments are always welcome. I’d love to hear from you.

***

Vickie is the mother of two children, ages 5 and 2. She writes about gentle parenting and unschooling at Demand Euphoria.

  • Questions from Part 1: Have you ever been charged for receiving a gift? Do you have expectations when you give to someone else?
  • Questions from Part 2: Do you feel that giving and receiving freely is important or is a gift a gift? What do you think about the concept that giving objects are a representation of the feelings inside?
  • Questions from Part 3: Do you visit the four rooms of your house? Are there any areas you need to offer the key of self-forgiveness before you unlock them?
  • Questions from Part 4: How do you handle candy in your family? Is giving candy in a separate category from giving gifts? Why or why not?
  • Questions from Part 5: How do you reconcile the idea of Santa Claus with your worldview? Do you treat the magic of childhood as something intertwined with the spirit of giving and forgiving?
This article contains all original content by TouchstoneZ.com and is protected by copyright. If you are viewing this post on another site than TouchstoneZ.com please notify the author at zoie.touchstonez(at)gmail.com
Related articles

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Part 5 in my Series on Giving and Forgiving

You can also read Part 1: Deck the Halls with PsychoAnal Gifts, Part 2: The Spirit of Giving and Forgiving, Part 3: Balancing the Four Rooms, and Part 4: The Candy Cane Crux.

I have been incredibly moved by the response to this series. Thank you to everyone who has reached out to connect. Today, I am proud to present a guest post from a writer who enjoys their anonymity.

***

1914 Santa Claus in japan

Image via Wikipedia

Santa will not be squeezing his well-nourished body in his pristine red suit down the chimney of any of the tents at the Dadaab refugee camp. No sack loads of toys or stocking fillers will be getting delivered there. He won’t be coming to my house either.

If by some miracle any part of the story were a reality, but there wasn’t enough magic to go round every little boy and girl in the whole world, I’d find it really easy to explain to my kids why he wasn’t headed for our house. I can’t begin to imagine how you explain to a child that such magic will be delivered by flying reindeer to them, but not, for example, the children of Somalia.

When he does visit he gives more to rich kids than poor kids. Magic indeed. This leaves those who can least afford it putting spare cash in mis-sold schemes with little or no guarantees they’ll see their money back never mind any interest and / or taking out loans at exorbitant interest rates to try to keep up with the pressure to “give the kids a happy christmas.”

I’m currently in the very fortunate position of being able to afford to buy my kids lots of toys, books, day trips etc etc, so we could easily have them wake up on Christmas (or any other) morning to a mountain of gifts and watch their little faces light up over and over as they opened package after package. Items which would presumably be promptly set aside as the next was opened, which in turn would be superseded but the next and the next.

What would this teach my child about how happiness is achieved? Visions of spiralling credit card debts as my grown-up shopaholic tries to soothe herself with yet another pair of shoes, another bag, that cute little top flash in front of my eyes. It’s not definitely going to end in tears, there are lots of other possible outcomes;

I’m just wondering why you’d want to teach your kid happiness is a mountain of stuff you don’t look at after you’ve unwrapped it. Not least because what if there comes a time my finances aren’t so in the black. What if next year it’s a choice of a 20% pay cut or redundancy instead of a bonus and pay rise? How do you explain tough economic times in the North Pole economy?

Let’s not forget the concept of the annual “must have toy.” Somehow word gets round that there’s this new toy and every kid wants one. So the shops promptly up the selling price and it still sells out. There are fights in the aisles of any store that gets a delivery of this treasure. There are online auctions allowing those parents who put off buying till late November a chance to hope something they’ve paid many times the retail price for arrives in the mail.

Every family in your kid’s school class is likely to own one of these toys, but until December 25th no one will have actually played with it. I’m not saying they all turn out to be over-hyped plastic tat, but so far as I’ve noticed there never seems to be a mad clamour for the same item the following year.

It’s important to me that my kids know where stuff comes from, the effort, materials and other resources that went into producing it, packaging it, shipping it, selling it, the impact on them and the wider world of the choices they make regarding what stuff to buy. These are pretty big concepts to explain to a small child. I can’t think of a way to incorporate magic or the slave labour of elves into the discussion without making it significantly more confusing.

I’m not disputing that childhood is a magical time. I absolutely believe that it is.

We live at an extraordinary time in an extraordinary place, surrounded by mind-blowing biodiversity and endless opportunities and potential. To be able to see all that for the first time, experience it without the distractions of responsibilities or deadlines or preconceptions, to just absorb and enjoy it, to figure it out at your own pace, that’s the magic of childhood.

Life is good, childhood is great! Of course children have to figure out who they are and where they fit in this big, sometimes bad, world, which is a pretty momentous task. I don’t see how it helps to throw misinformation into the mix.

“Seek the wisdom of the ages, but look at the world through the eyes of a child.” Ron Wild

It’s not the spirit of gift giving I have a problem with. If you want to have a party and have someone dress up in a fancy suit to give gifts to children, the needy or needy children, it sounds like a fun day to me. It’s irrelevant to me whether that person is dressed in a red furry outfit or a mickey mouse costume.

I would think the kids benefitting from the experience would get even more from it knowing it was their more fortunate neighbours who wanted to do something to help them. But the whole nonsensical charade of adults wrapping up deodorant and toothpaste to give each other as stocking fillers, so it appears everyone got lots of gifts is just crazy!

If we are starting to realise we shouldn’t bring the toiletries back from the supermarket in a single use plastic bag, why would we still think it’s a good idea to surround some of the items in shiny printed paper, hold it together with single use sticky tape which cannot be recycled, with or without bows or decorative ribbon or a gift tag? There must be another way!!

Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect.” ~ Oren Arnold

Wishing you warm winter moments and the merriest of memories, whatever or however you are celebrating.

The Writer

How do you reconcile the idea of Santa Claus with your worldview? Do you treat the magic of childhood as something intertwined with the spirit of giving and forgiving?

Remember, anonymous comments are always welcome. I’d love to hear from you.

***

  • Questions from Part 1: Have you ever been charged for receiving a gift? Do you have expectations when you give to someone else?
  • Questions from Part 2: Do you feel that giving and receiving freely is important or is a gift a gift? What do you think about the concept that giving objects are a representation of the feelings inside?
  • Questions from Part 3: Do you visit the four rooms of your house? Are there any areas you need to offer the key of self-forgiveness before you unlock them?
  • Questions from Part 4: How do you handle candy in your family? Is giving candy in a separate category from giving gifts? Why or why not?
This article contains all original content by TouchstoneZ.com and is protected by copyright. If you are viewing this post on another site than TouchstoneZ.com please notify the author at zoie.touchstonez(at)gmail.com
Related articles

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Part 4 in my Series on Giving and Forgiving

You can also read Part 1: Deck the Halls with PsychoAnal Gifts  Part 2: The Spirit of Giving and Forgiving  and Part 3: Balancing the Four Rooms.

Giving and Forgiving via Wikipedia

Giving and Forgiving via Wikipedia

 

 

My two oldest sons and I were getting into mischief downtown this past weekend. They were running around the green space in front of the performing arts centre and enjoying the crisp December weather.

A horse and large carriage comes along the main street, complete with jingling harness and a-caroling people. My kids run up to see it just as I notice the sign on the carriage’s side for a certain religious group that promotes intolerance and hatred. While I attempt to diplomatically explain to Nat, the 5yo, who the people are as he is sounding out the words on the sign, I don’t notice the carriage is flanked by walking people carrying baskets.

One of the people comes up to us brandishing candy canes as big as my children’s’ heads, wrapped in bags that contain shiny, colorful religious pamphlets. After wishing us a firm, “Merry Christmas” in reply to my own “Happy Holidays” response to his greeting, he extends the sweet to Gan, the 3yo, then says warningly, “Only if your mom says it’s okay.”

I’m uncomfortable with this entire situation, yet also slightly glad for the candy distraction from Nat’s curiosity about who they are. I say yes, deciding that I will handle the candy “situation” (yes, I coined it so in my mind) later.

English: A Candy cane, against the background ...

Image via Wikipedia

The Forgiving Crux

I felt like the entire situation was a set up for this group to spread their message of intolerance. It was an unwelcome intrusion into my enjoyable time with my children and felt against the spirit of the holidays.

I understand their point of view that they are spreading the word of love and acceptance into their special group of happiness. I don’t have an issue with this type of spreading the love as long as it’s unconditional. But, I mind when it is used to exclude, dehumanize or pass judgment.

Acceptance Exceptance.

The exclusions and requirements to be accepted into the group are where the message leaves me chilled. And my feeling process in those moments was like this:

Using Christmas icons and candy feels like a proverbial trap inside a gingerbread house to me. It opens the door a crack to lure someone into a gradual decent of excluding those who are different. This particular group is highly vocal about who they consider immoral. They have no problem bashing away the humanity of those who disagree with their views. It’s bullying and it’s hate-speech. And it defiles those who practice the same religion in an accepting way.

I had to get to a place of forgiveness about this situation. I was angry about the outward show of love hiding a cold hate. I was angry about the candy being proffered to my kids in this passive aggressive way that made me look like the bad guy if I said no. I was upset that I was going to have to figure out a way to get rid of the religious pamphlets without reading them with my kids.

I was frustrated that our carefree time together was now poised on the tip of this candy cane.

I decided that I didn’t have to like any of this. I didn’t have to stay silent about what I didn’t like either. I told the candy cane person, politely, that we would accept the candy canes, but give back their literature. He handed over the candy and left in a huff before I could return the papers to him, with another firm over his shoulder, “Merry Christmas. I will put you in my prayers.”

I took the canes out of the bags and told my kids we could mail the colorful holiday papers to the candy cane people for the holidays. They were satisfied enough with this and distracted by the incoming sugar that I didn’t have to discuss it further much to my relief. But, I expect that Nat will remember to bring it up in the future.

Then, I handed the candy canes without the papers back to the kids. That’s when I started laying down the rules.

A candy cane hanging on a Christmas tree

The Giving Crux

I don’t think the canes had even left my hands before I said they needed to keep them wrapped until it was time to eat them. And they couldn’t eat them until after we had finished dinner at the restaurant we were going to after running around the greenspace.

This was their cue to begin negotiating. I listened calmly and empathized as we walked to the restaurant. I knew that acting anything but unflappably patient would not end the negotiations, but would move them to the level of whining and then possibly tantruming.

Besides, they’re kids holding candy. It’s sweet, delicious treasure in their hands. Of course, they want to try to get it. That’s natural. My thwarting them wasn’t going to magically negate these feelings. If I were holding a candy cane as big as my head and someone told me to wait, I’d be annoyed, too.

We got to the restaurant, ordered our food, and I settled in for the next round of negotiations. I checked in with myself and noticed I had a similar kind of anxiety as I had while next to the horse and carriage. I was feeling resigned and stuck. Then, I checked in with my kids. They were holding candy given to them and acting quite calm about it, actually.

Wait…candy that was given to them.

This wasn’t my candy. This was their candy. And I was holding parental power over them, as if I was the owner of the candy. No wonder this felt wrong.

So, I said with honesty, “I am sorry. I was acting unfairly. Those are your candy canes, not mine. It’s your decision when and how much of them to eat.”

Nat, who is the kid that will say, “I’m not hungry for dinner. Can I just eat broccoli?” wanted to save his candy cane for dessert. Gan, who is the kid that won’t speak for stuffing treats in his mouth, decided to unwrap his candy cane and eat some of it before dinner and some after.

The world didn’t come to a screeching halt; my kids didn’t become obsessed with candy; they don’t suddenly expected to get candy, candy, candy all the time; their morals and teeth haven’t become rotten.

A squat candy snowman outside a gingerbread house.

Image via Wikipedia

Actually, I think this has created a healthier, more empowering relationship with candy for them. Like most kids, they adore candy, but since they felt respected and unlimited, I think the power around obtaining it is diffused-at least for a little while-this is candy, after all. I’m not expecting them to suddenly become abstemious or anything.

I believe in natural consequences. For example, if it’s cold outside, but the kids want to wear shorts, they’ll feel cold and change into something warmer or not. I don’t argue with them or try to make them do things.

Most importantly, I feel as a parent, it is my job to observe, support and facilitate them as they learn to navigate life. We discuss the ramifications of decisions. I try to explain things in ways they will understand as often and as patiently as needed. So, I will probably bring warm clothes with me to produce if asked, out of courtesy and support.

I try to practice natural consequences. I try not to hover or insert my judgments. And I’m constantly finding new ways that I have to think or act differently to be the parent they deserve. I have opinions on things and will share them, hoping I do my best to give space for other opinions.

We have spoken about the types of foods that help you grow and foods that don’t. And we have spoken about people who are mean and people that are loving. I am sure that both of these will be conversations we will have for many years.

Ultimately, I hope to model the skills for tolerance, conscious choices, critical thinking, and forgiving on their own terms. If nothing else, they can see what an imperfect person looks like as they strive toward unconditional giving and forgiving.

How do you handle candy in your family? Is giving candy in a separate category from giving gifts? Why or why not?

Remember, anonymous comments are always welcome. I’d love to hear from you.

***

Questions from Part 1: Have you ever been charged for receiving a gift? Do you have expectations when you give to someone else?

Questions from Part 2: Do you feel that giving and receiving freely is important or is a gift a gift? What do you think about the concept that giving objects are a representation of the feelings inside?

Questions from Part 3: Do you visit the four rooms of your house? Are there any areas you need to offer the key of self-forgiveness before you unlock them?

This article contains all original content by TouchstoneZ.com and is protected by copyright. If you are viewing this post on another site than TouchstoneZ.com please notify the author at zoie.touchstonez(at)gmail.com
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This is part three in my series on Giving and Forgiving…

Forgiving yourself even when you can’t let go.

Christmas gifts.

Image via Wikipedia

In Part 1 of this series on Giving and Forgiving, I began with how my laughing epiphany helped me make the connection between giving and accepting freely. Please stop by to read the background for this post. In Part 2 of this series, I make the distinction between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation in giving gifts and discuss how giving and object is a representation of the feelings you feel about someone else.

*There is a trigger warning on this post for mentions of child abuse and survivor guilt*

Where did my Yoga posts go? I’ve been writing some about meditation and mindfulness, which are a part of Yoga, but where are the rest of the 8-limbs in my life[1]? Why has my daily personal asana practice disappeared? Why am I not going to the studio daily like I was?

I’ve felt like I’ve been missing a significant part of my life. It has been more difficult to balance and stay centered with things that I used to skip by without a problem. Yoga takes the edge off of everything for me. It’s something I need on a regular basis, but I’ve been avoiding writing about it and practicing it regularly. I’m centered and prepared to do the work of healing and parenting with a sense of playfulness and joy when I have a daily Yoga practice.

Yet, the physical practices of Yoga, such as asanas, or poses, have consisted mostly of restoratives and relaxation poses. I have been shying away from poses that open, expand, or give me a workout. I have been resistant to taking classes with my favorite teachers because they are often the ones who are best at helping me locate and work my edge that day.

I’ve been wondering about this resistance. Then I came across this quote and it started clicking together for me:

“There is an Indian proverb that says that everyone is a house with four rooms, a physical, a mental, an emotional, and a spiritual. Most of us tend to live in one room most of the time but unless we go into every room every day, even if only to keep it aired, we are not a complete person.” — Rumer Godden

I’ve been spending all of my time exploring the mental, emotional, and spiritual rooms in my house. I’ve been tending them and learning about them on my path to healing. But, the physical room has been neglected. I have literally been hiding from my body by concentrating with my mind.

I stopped riding my bike, walking, running and hiking regularly because I was avoiding sensations in my body. I still did these things when I had my family with me because I could focus solely on them and forget about myself.

I can track back to when this began. It started last spring when the memories of abuse started to resurface. The more memories I uncovered, the more I retreated from connection with my body.

I have always heard people talk about abuse and the pain it caused them, both at the time and later. I didn’t understand that there was an element of pleasure mixed with the pain. I can’t admit to any pleasure my body felt because that would be saying that I wasn’t abused. If I liked it, it was consensual.

As if an 11 year old girl could have a consensual relationship with a sadistic orthodontist.

But, my head has yet to let go of the fact that in that warped, manipulated emotional and physical torture, my body responded in ways I didn’t understand. And once I did understand, I think they helped to further repress the memories of horror.

Girl looking up chimney from fireplace.

Image via Wikipedia

I have read about the hold that the abuser has on the victim and how they are often convinced that it is a loving relationship. In my relationship with my abuser, he made me think his causing me pain was helping him. I remember him telling me repeatedly that if it weren’t for me, he would be in pain himself.

I rode my bike to my appointments for years. I could have skipped out on them. No one would have known or cared at home. But, I went back over and over again because I was the only one who could take care of him. And I took pleasure in the pain. Even while I yelled or cried out because it hurt me, I felt physical pleasure.

The feelings of guilt and of being a disgusting person that my body could respond in this way and I didn’t do anything to stop it overwhelm me to this day. I feel dirty in a way that will never wash off no matter how hard I try to wash or cut it out of me.

This is what I am doing. I’m giving that 11 year old girl a gift. The gift of an adult who forgives her. The gift of an adult who knows her in a way that no one else can and will never leave her. The gift of forgiving her for not having enough power to stop it. The gift to forgive my body, which was her body, and no one else’s-not even his.

 

I’m also linking this post up with McCrenshaw’s Latest Thoughts and It’s Ok Blog‘s Mindfulness Parenting Challenge #2: on Forgiveness. Please go check it out.

 

[1] The 8-limbs of Yoga and using them in daily life will be in an upcoming post

It is the spirit of exchange that moves someone to give freely. It is interesting to think about the gift of forgiveness for ourselves and others. This can be an especially challenging thing during the holidays.I’ll explore forgiveness, guilt, as well as giving our truth (including the idea of Santa Claus in future posts in this series)

Questions from Part 3: Do you visit the four rooms of your house? Are there any areas you need to offer the key of self-forgiveness before you unlock them?

Remember, anonymous comments are always welcome. I’d love to hear from you.

NaBloPoMo 2011

Questions from Part 1: Have you ever been charged for receiving a gift? Do you have expectations when you give to someone else?

Questions from Part 2: Do you feel that giving and receiving freely is important or is a gift a gift? What do you think about the concept that giving objects are a representation of the feelings inside?

This article contains all original content by TouchstoneZ.com and is protected by copyright. If you are viewing this post on another site than TouchstoneZ.com please notify the author at zoie.touchstonez(at)gmail.com

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***I’m pleased to note that this is my 108th post!

-An auspicious number to begin this project***

Yoga session at sunrise in Joshua Tree Nationa...

Image via Wikipedia

I’m going to go out on a limb and shock many of you when I say that I enjoy Yoga. I’ll bet you had no idea ;)

 

One of my passions is sharing Yoga with anyone who is open to it. I think Yoga can be infinitely accessible to everyone. If you’ve had a bad experience, then perhaps you didn’t find the right Yoga for you.

 

There are many interpretations and ways of approaching Yoga. The month of September has been designated National Yoga Month to raise awareness about the benefits of Yoga.

 

In support of this idea, Lorin from The VeganAsana & YIOM and I have been discussing the upcoming Yoga Month. She requested that  all of the members of YIOM: Yoga Inspired Online Movement (aka “Why I Om”) post about similar themes during the month of September.

 

Even if you are not a member of YIOM, please feel free to participate if a topic seems like something you would like to explore. Or, if you are moved to write about your experience with Yoga during September to spread the word about Yoga Month. I welcome you to link your post up in the comments section and I’ll be happy to help promote it.

 

Here is Lorin’s post (which you can also find directly here):

 

In honor of National Yoga Month (September), the wonderful Zoie of TouchstoneZ: Gentle Parenting and Mindful Living Off the Mat suggested that the YIOM group participate.  Her idea, which I think is a fabulous one, was that we focus on two limbs of yoga for each week of the month.  At the end of the week (Saturday), I’ll post a “round-up” of all of the posts from that week, so that interested readers can easily find them.  Any YIOM blog that would like to participate is welcome!  If your schedule doesn’t permit participation, that’s perfectly fine as well.

The weekly themes are:

  • Week 1 – Yama (ethical restraints) and Niyama (personal observances)
  • Week 2 – Asana (body postures) and Pranayama (breath control)
  • Week 3 – Pratyahara (sense withdrawal/control) and Dhyana (concentration)
  • Week 4 – Dhyana (devotion, meditation) and Samadhi (union with the divine)

We ask that everyone utilize one of the National Yoga Month banners on each post.  They can be found at http://www.yogamonth.org/marketing_materials.php#banners and the code for one banner is below.

HTML CODE: <img src=”http://www.yogamonth.org/2009/images/yogamonth2010_728_90ani.gif” alt=”Free Yoga Classes and Event during National Yoga Month September” width=”728″ height=”90″ border=”0″ />

Free Yoga Classes and Event during National Yoga Month September

We look forward to seeing the wonderful writings of YIOM members on these important topics!

Namaste,

Lorin

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Buddha with the Elephant Nalagiri

Buddha with the Elephant Nalagiri

I have been quietly sending metta, or lovingkindness meditation, to two people who have really caused havoc in my life.

I am not getting caught up in it. But, everyday, 20 times a day, I purposefully stop and think of these persons. I say their names to myself. Without any judgment or attachment, I imagine their faces and send them love, empathy, and compassion.

They’re sending me hate and I am sending back love.

Why?

Because it feels good and their shit feels bad.

I love you my enemy. I send peace to you my haters. I adore you those who don’t understand and never will.

Watch Out! I am sending you sweet juice deep from my heart.

Have you ever had to let go of negative energy? Have you ever sent metta to someone in your life? I’d love to hear from you.

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Get your butt on the mat. Get your butt on the mat. Get your butt on the mat.

How to really have a home yoga practiceDay 95 Baby Yoga

I dream of a two hour long home asana practice or even a forty-five minute daily home practice. Heck, twenty minutes to move on my mat without distractions sounds like nirvana.

No one calls me away from down dog.

My tree pose isn’t covered in monkeys aka little people.

My warrior pose isn’t battling sibling rivalries.

My headstand isn’t an all-you-can-eat breastfeeding buffet.

No one pile drives me in savasana.

A long, quiet, peaceful home practice would replenish my body and soul. It would make me a calmer parent, a more understanding partner, a more compassionate human being. It sounds dreamy, doesn’t it? It is. But, I live in the real world and unless I’m having a very Zen day that means I can handle the chaos from this uninvited partner yoga, I leave my mat more frazzled than before I began. Nobody likes a yelling yogini.

I’m not complaining. I chose this life. I just don’t adjust to the shifting realities of it as quickly as I’d like.

When I’m not getting enough sleep, waking up extra early for yoga practice is just not going to happen. And let’s face it; dreaming about a good night’s sleep is about as useful as dreaming about the perfect Tittibhasana.  After I am up, I set the best of intentions, but the day inevitably gets away from me. Bedtime routine seems never ending, until I finally pour myself back into my unmade, laundry-covered bed, while saving the idea of clean dishes or a shower until tomorrow. Then just as I am falling asleep, I remember (yet again) that I didn’t get in my home practice (yet again.)

But, you say, if it were really important to me, I would practice yoga every day.  I get it. I do. It’s all good.

There are so many things to tend to in a day. There’s no time left for yoga. There are so many things to tend to in a day. There’s no time left for yoga. If it were important to me… Around and around I go.

Actually, I’m going back to that dreamy yoga practice at the top of this post. See ya!

Then, I got post partum depression and if I want to stay off meds, I have to do yoga. Every. Single. Day. Without fail.

So, here’s how I made a home yoga practice every. Single. Day. Without fail.

To have a home yoga practice, you need to do one thing:In a Rut

Let go of the dreams.

Let go of all expectations of uninterrupted, de-jungle gymned, solo asana practice. Let go of needs for peace and quiet. Let go of expectations to evolve, grow or perfect your practice.

Yoga is not meant to be practiced in solitude. Yoga is what you take with you off the asana mat. The practice is what is important because when you practice daily, you will take what you feel on the mat, off the mat and into your life. The practice is the key; not the quality; not the length, but the frequency.

It’s actually one of the core principles of yoga: abhyasa-A tireless dedication to practice for practice’s sake.

Your goal, for lack of a better word, is to create a samskara, or pattern, of inner-space to use when you need it. If you have this comfy rut from your daily practice, you’ll slip into it easily when you need it. When someone small melts down or someone big cuts you off in traffic, you’ll be all Ghandiji about it.

So, now you can let go and really practice:

You do it first thing when you wake up in the morning because that way nothing gets in the way. Forget rolling out a mat, putting on underwear or even brushing your teeth (use the bathroom if you need too, of course, this is not punishment.) The moment your feet hit the floor, go into your asanas.

Oh, and put a note on your bathroom door or mirror if you’re too groggy to remember your practice.

What asanas should you practice?

Pick any three poses that you like. Please don’t pick the ones that look pretty or that you want to “work on.” Choose three that you want to do, you know, as if your yoga practice were fun. Remember you’re not striving to evolve or work on anything. The daily repetition is what is important. If you feel the need to be all yogic about this: repeat Abhyasa or samskara to yourself in moving meditation.

Then go brush your teeth or whatever and let your chaotic day run into bedtime as usual. When you are falling asleep, there won’t be a last second recrimination about not doing yoga.

You can go here to find some suggestions for your three poses.

Now, if perchance you get to a yoga class or if shockingly you get two hours when your partner takes the kids and the dog out on a Sunday afternoon, you may choose to practice yoga. But, if you choose to make some tea and read, you can give yourself permission, knowing that you already practiced yoga that morning.

And, if you do forget to do your three poses in the morning (it’s going to happen sometime) you can always do them whenever you do remember. It’s the abhyasa that’s important.

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