TouchstoneZ

Inspired by Sausage Mama, I am writing a monthly letter to my children. I hope to capture these moments in time because they go so quickly. To quote Amber Strocel, “blink and you miss it.” (two great, positive blogs, please check them out)

I hope you will join me in writing a monthly letter to your children and linking it up here. Feel free to grab the badge for your website and let me know when you post so I can add you to the list of participants.

Dear Little Buddhas,
I have been struggling with what to publish this month for your letter. I believe in this project. Capturing what has happened with you each month is important to me. You change so fast and I love you for that. Writing about what you have been doing each month allows me a small hug goodbye to that child who has been replaced by another whom I adore just as much.

The past few months have been one of the most difficult times for our family. There have been many changes. It’s not always simple to navigate the world outside our family with trust, as we have learned during this time.

My need to protect you is not being met.

While I write here about my experience, I feel that publicly sharing direct events of your lives is not fair to you. Granted, it is my POV on your milestones, activities, stats, turns of phrase and interests, but I do not feel it is appropriate under our developing circumstances. It is one thing for someone to take what I write about my feelings and use it for their own purpose. I feel I need to keep you safe from as many negative reflections as possible.

Perhaps my protection instinct is triggered by recent events. Perhaps I am overreacting. Perhaps I will feel differently in the future. But, my strong feelings now are that until you can give informed consent about how much to share directly of your lives, it does not feel right to publish them.

I will still keep writing the monthly letters to you. But, I will no longer be making them public. I will continue to offer the space here for the other writers to link up each month and to support them in their own letter projects. I am also open to someone taking over or sharing this project with me, especially because it might feel important to them that the letters be publicly shared each month.

Stay safe, little Buddhas. May I teach you strength to weather the storms with compassion for self and others.
Love,

Yo’ mama
August, 2011

If you would like to participate in the Letters to Littles Project, feel free to link up your post below. Letters are written during the last week of the month, but feel free to write and link up whenever you feel inspired. You can use the hashtag #letterstolittles on twitter as well. And don’t forget to click over and Grab the badge (it’s set up to promote the project, not my personal page. So you won’t find my name on it):

Letters to Littles Participants:

• New African Babies Don’t Cry
• Becoming Crunchy
• New Lazy Kate
• Mom Grooves
• Purple Peas In A Pod
• Rosmarinus Officinalus
• Sausage Mama
• Smiling Like Sunshine

Pop by their blogs and leave a little comment love, won’t ya’?

Related articles

• Letter to Littles: April 2011 (touchstonez.com)
• Letter to Littles: March 2011 (touchstonez.com)
• Letter to Littles: May 2011 (touchstonez.com)
• A Letter to *Those* Parents (touchstonez.com)

Read Full Post »

Letters to Littles

74UPANCWSU2V
Inspired by Sausage Mama, I am writing a monthly letter to my children. I hope to capture these moments in time because they go so quickly. To quote Amber Strocel, “blink and you miss it.” (two great, positive blogs, please check them out)

I hope you will join me in writing a monthly letter to your children and linking it up here. Feel free to grab the badge for your website and let me know when you post so I can add you to the list of participants.

Dear Little Buddhas,

I’m late this month with this letter and, as we’ll talk about one day, a lot has been going on. So, please forgive my brevity for this letter.

Letters to Littles: Singing in the Rain

Nat,

You’re 4y 11m old now. This past week has been challenging as you have been exhibiting some defiant behavior and anger toward your dad and me. It’s hard to see you struggling when you’re usually so easy going. I’m working extra hard for patience and

Letters to Littles: Gan Arrrrr!

support because I know you need connection while you work through this.

You accidentally overheard me say that I hadn’t gotten enough sleep and was “draggin’ a$$”, which you reinterpreted to “Mama is dragon ess this morning.” I definitely prefer your version.

Gan,

You’re 2y 10m old now. It’s been a fun month for you, I think. A lot of our activities have been right up your alley: digging for earthworms, discovering pocket gophers, squishing in mud, and lots of piratical adventures.

I love how much you sing. I love how joyful you have been this month. Your exuberance is helping heal your mother’s guilt-wounds from you infancy when I had PPD. I can see that you are able to be emotionally free.

Bud,

Letters to Littles: Hey, It's Mama!

And your laughter-not just baby giggles-real belly laughter, is just awesome! It’s contagious. Your brothers can’t get enough of trying to get some out of you. I can’t get enough either.

Letters to Littles: Apple Blossoms for Sar

Sar,

My baby girl, you would be 3y 9m old now. I’m understanding a little more every day how I can live without you, but still be with you.

Love,

Yo’ mama
June, 2011

If you would like to participate in the Letters to Littles Project, feel free to link up your post. Letters are written during the last week of the month, but feel free to write and link up whenever you feel inspired. You can use the hashtag #letterstolittles on twitter as well. And don’t forget to click over and Grab the badge (it’s set up to promote the project, not my personal page. So you won’t find my name on it):

Letters to Littles Participants:

• Becoming Crunchy
• Mom Grooves
• Purple Peas In A Pod
• Rosmarinus Officinalus
• Sausage Mama
• Smiling Like Sunshine

Pop by their blogs and leave a little comment love, won’t ya’?

Related articles

• Letter to Littles: April 2011 (touchstonez.com)
• Letter to Littles: March 2011 (touchstonez.com)
• Letter to Littles: May 2011 (touchstonez.com)
• A Letter to *Those* Parents (touchstonez.com)

Read Full Post »

Letters to Littles

Inspired by Sausage Mama, I am writing a monthly letter to my children. I hope to capture these moments in time because they go so quickly. To quote Amber Strocel, “blink and you miss it.” (two great, positive blogs, please check them out)

I hope you will join me in writing a monthly letter to your children and linking it up here. Feel free to grab the badge for your website and let me know when you post so I can add you to the list of participants.

Dear Little Buddhas,

Nat at Kata

Nat,

You’re 4y 10m old now. 46.4lbs. 43 & 1/4″ tall. I am continually impressed by your poise and drive to do things that challenge you. This month, you participated in your first Kata, or Jujitsu tournament, and you performed on-stage in your ballet recital. To be so young and yet be able to perform because you love it, even when you are nervous or frightened, is amazing. You and your partner took first place in your age division at the kata. And you were a boy amidst a sea of pink-clad ballerinas at the ballet recital, and some of those girls were not very kind, I was sad to hear.

You loved your medal, but were kind to all the other participants in a way that showed a grace beyond your years. I am hopeful our values of compassion and courtesy are something you value within yourself. I liked how you approached everything with a playful attitude and had fun with it all. You dad and I are not ones to push you into doing anything. I think you push yourself just to see if you can do it.

I’m trying to scale back our activities because of research about the importance of unstructured play. But, you love all the activities you are doing as “Jedi training.” So, I’ll continue to be guided by you.

Gan Surprised

Gan,

You’re 2y 9m old now. 30lbs. 35 & 3/4″ tall. The end of two years and the beginning of three is an interesting time. I see you vacillating between fierce independence and sweet affection. I see you feeling frustrated by things you are still too little to do and delighted by trying them anyway. I just wish it came with fewer bumps on the noggin, for my own sake. But, I have the feeling you’re a bump-on-the-noggin person for life. We’ll see.

I’ve continued to back way off and give you lots of space. It’s hard for me because I tend to project my own abandonment fears on you. But, you’ve responded with greater connection to me. I love how creative you are at finding ways to do things that avoid the possibility of hearing “no.” I’m trying to consider every request you make seriously, even when you want to cut your own food with the big knives or paint the walls. The knives I have been allowing under close supervision because you are meticulously careful and the painting we worked out a compromise by hanging paper on the wall.

PeekaBuddha

Bud,

You are 10mo now. 24.6lbs, 28.5″ tall. 5 or 6 teeth (not that you’ll let me check thoroughly) Dude! Slow down! I asked you to wait to walk on your own until your dad got back home and you did thank goodness. But, you’re about to do it. You have taken a step or two and you stand up, squat down, stand up without holding onto anything (tip from mum: hold onto that core strength as you grow up)

I’ve never had a climber before and it’s both fascinating and terrifying to watch. you keep getting yourself on top of furniture and then getting upset until someone comes along to help you down. You went swimming for the first time this month and couldn’t get enough. You were so busy laughing and splashing that we had to hold you back from going underwater with your mouth wide open in delight. I feel so blessed to be around you because of your pure delight at new experiences.

Apple Blossoms

Sar,

My baby girl, you would be 3y 8m old now. I think I’m the only person who thinks of you daily, just like your brothers are always on my mind. I am sometimes glad for all I have learned in loving and missing you in this special way because I’ve learned how to be with grief. It has helped me be more comfortable with other people who are going through tough periods. I understand that it isn’t necessary to say or do, but just to be there.

Smile Like You Mean It

May is always a busy month. There’s Mother’s Day and my birthday to celebrate. There seem to be a lot of events and activities going on that I usually just want to stay home and enjoy quiet time together on those two days when I’m supposed to be in charge of picking what we do. I cherish the times when we just snuggle-bug together with a good book or five.

Even though I rarely feel worthy of the responsibility of being your mum, selfishly I wouldn’t give it up because I enjoy you all so much. If you ever stop making me laugh out loud, we can renegotiate our deal, okay?

Love,

Yo’ mama
May, 2011

If you would like to participate in the Letters to Littles Project, feel free to link up your post. Letters are written during the last week of the month, but feel free to write and link up whenever you feel inspired. You can use the hashtag #letterstolittles on twitter as well. And don’t forget to click over and Grab the badge (it’s set up to promote the project, not my personal page. So you won’t find my name on it):

Letters to Littles Participants:

• Becoming Crunchy
• Mom Grooves
• Purple Peas In A Pod
• Rosmarinus Officinalus
• Sausage Mama
• Smiling Like Sunshine

Pop by their blogs and leave a little comment love, won’t ya’?

Related articles

• Letter to Littles: April 2011 (touchstonez.com)
• Letter to Littles: March 2011 (touchstonez.com)

Read Full Post »

Letters to Littles

Inspired by Sausage Mama, I am writing a monthly letter to my children. I hope to capture these moments in time because they go so quickly. To quote Amber Strocel, “blink and you miss it.” (two great, positive blogs, please check them out)

I hope you will join me in writing a monthly letter to your children and linking it up here. Feel free to grab the badge for your website and let me know when you post so I can add you to the list of participants.

Dear Little Buddhas,

Nataraj Padawan

Nat,

You’re 4y 9m old now. We’re going on a date night tonight. I’m really looking forward to it. Your dad noticed this morning that you were feeling a bit grumpy and after reflecting about it, felt you had been receiving a lot of “no’s” lately. So, I’m taking you out for some one on one attention. I told you that you could decide where to go and you said, “pizza, salad and frozen yogurt!” So, that’s what we’ll do.

This month, you earned your first belt promotion in jujitsu. You’re a white belt-black stripe and so proud of yourself for working hard. You keep talking about having, “respect for my teachers because they have respect for me and my hard work.” I just hope you’re having fun. I see you pushing yourself because you love the challenge and my heart swells with pride over that. I could care less about anything else as long as you are having fun and doing what you love.

Rockin' the Dragon Tats

Gan,

You’re 2y 8m old now. I have been enjoying the affection you’ve been showing this month. It seems your favorite verbal games alternate between repeating, “I love you, mama” and “I love you, stinky poopy peepee head.” I bet I can guess which will stick around the longest. The “poo and pee” references are cracking you up and you seem to expect everyone else to laugh, too, and I sometimes worry that you’ll run into a bigger kid who doesn’t understand you’re being funny and not mean. It’s hard for me not to hover, but to let you be your free-spirit self.

I’m coming to understand you more as you grow. I find you complex, which is surprising to me since you’re not even three, yet. It’s hard for me to tell how you will react to things, but I’m becoming more able to accept this and not try to make you do things in ways that don’t honor what you need.

I’m glad your first set of two year molars are in. That. Is. All.

Little Yogi Baby

Bud,

You are 9mo now. You’re in that push and pull stage that I adore. You feel the push to explore and the pull for comfort from your trusted parents. I watch you standing up in free space and just waiting to take that mental jump into walking out into it unsupported. And it is a huge shift toward independence. I can see it in your face  every time you begin to do it, you turn and sign for mama milk or to be picked up. But, the considering is becoming longer and the comfort requests are getting shorter. I see this time at the end of the first year as always being on the cusp of something new. You are surprisingly agile and rarely thump your noggin. I remember your big brothers having perpetual forehead bruises at the same age, but you’re much more deliberate. You always have been-fearless, trusting and self-assured.

Your smile still lights me up when I walk in the room. If I’m feeling down or self-doubting, all I need is that ego boost from baby love and I know all will be well. Maybe I won’t screw up my kids after all if someone could love and trust me this much.

Apple Blossoms

R,

My baby girl, you would be 3y 7m old now. It’s difficult for me this time of year because I remember the surprise of finding out I was pregnant. It was my first experience with debunking the nursing-on-demand-as-birth-control. I had such a mix of emotions, and, honestly, I didn’t want to be pregnant again so soon. I have a lot of guilt that you weren’t wanted for awhile. In my warped PPD brain, I was able to self-flagellate that it was part of the reason you died. I know that isn’t true and I wouldn’t change it anyway. It made my falling in love with you and letting you go, all the more powerful for its transformation. Every spring when the apple tree blossoms, I look on them and love you. I’m grateful to you. I miss you.

Laughing Buddha

Spring is our renewal time. We always tend to take stock on what will be for the year. I know I came to life for the first time, every time, each of you was born. I feel rebirth all over again since shaking off the PPDemons. I can find you again. I can see you again. Breathe you again. Love you again. Without running for safety into my bedroom.

Love,

Yo’ mama
April, 2011

If you would like to participate in the Letters to Littles Project, feel free to link up your post. Letters are written during the last week of the month, but feel free to write and link up whenever you feel inspired. And don’t forget to click over and Grab the badge (it’s set up to promote the project, not my personal page. So you won’t find my name on it):

Letters to Littles Participants:

• Becoming Crunchy
• Mom Grooves
• Rosmarinus Officinalus
• Sausage Mama
• Smiling Like Sunshine

Pop by their blogs and leave a little comment love, won’t ya’?

Read Full Post »

Letters to Littles

Inspired by Sausage Mama, I am going to write a monthly letter to my children. I hope to capture these moments in time because they go so quickly. To quote Amber Strocel, “blink and you miss it.” (two great, positive blogs, please check them out)

I hope you will join me in writing a monthly letter to your children and linking it up here. Feel free to grab the badge for your website and let me know when you post so I can add you to the list of participants.

Dear Little Buddhas,

I am finally writing my first letter to you and I’m more filled with joy at beginning this than I am with guilt over the years I’ve already missed. I think about looking back later myself and seeing a snapshot of things I’ve forgotten. I think of you reading this when you are older and my hope that it is meaningful to you. I think of family and friends, people who love you that may read this and treasure you all the more.

N,

You’re 4y 8m old now. You are very into Star Wars and legos. Naturally Star Wars legos are your favorite sets. Lately, you have taken to designing your own Star Wars ships and vehicles in addition to building the sets.

It is fascinating to listen to the Star Wars technical knowledge and vocabulary you have memorized. You can tell me the names of every droid, weapon, ship, and character from the entire franchise. I am challenged to keep up. And you explain character nuances like you play with them daily.

Two of my favorite expressions you have right now are, “I love this ____. It’s my only hope.” and “There’s traffic on the freeway. We had better outflank them.”

You are practicing jujitsu, yoga, and ballet all in preparation for Jedi training. You are constantly making connections between things that blow me away, like how you can love someone but not like them all the time.

Lately, you have been making a high-pitched scream at our dog and not treating her with respect. I wonder if you are modeling the frustrations that you see your dad and me feeling toward her or if it is simply because you know you will get a reaction from one of us. I’m working on gently connecting with you about it.

G,

You’re 2y 7m old now. You are very into Pirates, Peter Pan and singing. And if you can sing “I am the Pirate King” from Pirates of Penzance or “I won’t grow up” from Peter Pan, you are pleased. And if you can do it nekky butt, sword in hand, standing atop the sofa, you are infectious with joy.

It’s hard to get an unblurred photo of you lately because you’re always on the go. You have a serious expression most of the time, but when one of your smiles comes, those melty, gooey brown eyes slay me.

You definitely want to be playing with the bigger kids and while we’re blessed to have friends that are very respectful of all ages, quite often you end up getting hurt. It can be challenging to comfort you while respecting your boundaries. You are both highly independent and fiercely affectionate.

Your vocabulary is astounding. I am constantly being asked how old you are from people who cannot believe someone your age can express himself so well. Your vocabulary often outpaces your tongue’s capabilities. And I have the feeling that what you want to express often outpaces your large vocabulary.

I often forget how young you are and expect more of you than is developmentally appropriate, but you are quick to forgive me when I lose my patience and then apologize to you.

B,

You are 8m old. Often, I cannot believe it. Your birth is still so alive with me (as are all of them, really.) You had the newborn squishiness for less than the blink of an eye.

I have never encountered anyone as full of joy as you are. You have been since your birth. I often wonder if some of those in utero belly bouncings I thought were hiccups were actually you practicing your laugh. Your smile is huge and promiscuous.

You are just content to be. I can tell you know how loved you are because you give so much of it back. And not just to me, although you are all about mama right now of course, but to your brothers and dad as well. Sometimes it is a toss-up whether you want mama or N.

You started crawling in December. Now you are not only pulling up to stand and cruising along the furniture, you are also beginning to glance into open space as if deciding when the right time will be to walk on your own. I want you to slow down, but I can see in your eyes that you have already set your sights on it.

R,

My baby girl, you would be 3y 6m old now. I think of you every day. I miss you every day. I remember you. You are my daughter. I love you. I miss you and all that you would have been.

3 bubs in a tub

My love shines through me so strongly for the four of you, it’s a wonder I can contain it at times. Brighter than my love, though, is light that shines from within you. When I catch glimpses of your dancing inner spirits, it fills my heart to bursting. If I can do nothing else in my life, I hope that I can help you hold the world at bay just enough that you keep your connection to your dancing inner spirit-your true self.

Love,

mama

March, 2011

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