TouchstoneZ

Welcome to the May 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting With or Without Extended Family

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared how relatives help or hinder their parenting. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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Image by Steve-h via Flickr

The theme for this month’s carnival has me stumped. If I had had time to do a research post, I would have done that simply to avoid examining:

How Do You Write About Making Different Parenting Choices than Your Own Family Experience without Criticizing Your Parents?

I don’t have an answer to this question. I have begun this post multiple times now and each time I end up in the space of stating, “I chose x for my children because of these benefits and my own experience was y.” Toss in a huge helping of long term childhood abuse and the complicated emotional morass of the lack of protection from the adults I needed to trust and it becomes potentially angry and bitter.

I can’t even write about the decision to homeschool and my own experience in formal school because, even with the sweeping disclaimer that I’m writing specifically about our decision and not about public schools in general, I think that point would be missed in the face of comparison. I don’t think one way to school is better than another for everyone; rather I want parents to make the best choice for their family.

I’m sure many other writers for the carnival will be able to walk this line well. I don’t enjoy looking at this in the limitations of a duality, yet this is what is coming up for me as a writer.

I know that my family made the best choice for themselves that they could with what they had. I wish many things in my experience were different than they were. And I think that’s where many parents make their parenting decisions. They keep what felt good about their own experience and change what they didn’t like for their own kids.

I think it is possible to talk about your experience as a child separately from what your parents thought your experience was. But, how often is someone capable of making that distinction in something we feel as strongly about as our parenting decisions. Look at the breastfeeding and formula-feeding discussions. How often does the discussion stay out of people feeling personally attacked by studies or statements that adhere only to the action and not the person?

I value the idea that two people can have the same experience and come out with two equally valid truths about what that experience was. But, this idea is threatening to most people who want their truth to be The Truth. This recently came up in the Spank Out Day Carnival where parents who spanked thought they were instilling a particular lesson, but the children learned something else. It takes a strong person to listen to what their child might say about what spanking was like for them, and not feel attacked.

I discussed my dilemma with my husband, who seems to have made his own parenting choices alongside me without examining why. There are many things he has chosen that are radically different from his experiences, yet he doesn’t have an answer for me how he reconciles this without comparing. He simply doesn’t think about it.

I spoke with several friends who have chosen to parent in radically different ways than what they experienced growing up and they found that they couldn’t avoid the comparison. Actually, they admitted to slipping into judgment about what they experienced. Many of them understood the difference between blaming their parents and judging the experience-the glaring exceptions being in abusive situations.

The consensus advice was to write about the truth I felt in my childhood experience and differing adult choices while answering to the consequences. But, I feel it has really only been a year since I recovered memories of (and admitted to experiencing) long term abuse as a child. I’m not clear of it, yet. It will be a process and this post, while rambling and potentially obscure, is a part of this.

I’d enjoy hearing from you about whether you have made different parenting choices? If so, how do you reconcile the things you want to be different for your own children without comparing or even blaming? Or, if this dilemma doesn’t speak to you, I would like to hear what makes it different for you?

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Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon May 8 with all the carnival links.)

• Dealing With Unsupportive Grandparents — In a guest post at Natural Parents Network, The Pistachio Project tells what to do when your child’s grandparents are less than thrilled about your parenting choices.
• Parenting With Extended Family — Jenny at I’m a full-time mummy shares the pros and cons of parenting with extended family…
• Parental Support for an AP Mama — Meegs at A New Day talks about the invaluable support of her parents in her journey to be an AP mama.
• Priceless Grandparents — That Mama Gretchen reflects on her relationship with her priceless Grammy while sharing ways to help children preserve memories of their own special grandparents.
• Routines Are Meant To Be Broken — Olga at Around The Birthing Ball urges us to see Extended Family as a crucial and necessary link between what children are used to at home and the world at large.
• It Helps To Have A Village – Even A Small One — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama discusses how she has flourished as a mother due to the support of her parents.
• The Orange Week — Erika at Cinco de Mommy lets go of some rules when her family finally visits extended family in San Diego.
• One Size Doesn’t Fit All — Kellie at Our Mindful Life realizes that when it comes to family, some like it bigger and some like it smaller.
• It Takes a Family — Alicia at What’s Next can’t imagine raising a child without the help of her family.
• A new foray into family — As someone who never experienced close extended family, Lauren at Hobo Mama wrestles with how to raise her kids — and herself — to restart that type of community.
• My Mama Rocks! — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment is one lucky Mama to have the support and presence of her own awesome Mama.
• Embracing Our Extended Family — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares 7 ideas for nurturing relationships with extended family members.
• Doing Things Differently — Valerie at Momma in Progress shares how parenting her children far away from extended family improved her confidence in her choices.
• Snapshots of love — Caroline at stoneageparent describes the joys of sharing her young son’s life with her own parents.
• Parenting with Relies – A mixed bag — Ursula Ciller shares some of her viewpoints on the pros and cons of parenting with relatives and extended family.
• Tante and Uncles — How a great adult sibling relationship begets a great relationship with aunt and uncles from Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy.
• Tips for Traveling With Twins — Megan at the Boho Mama shares some tips for traveling with infant twins (or two or more babies!).
• Parenting passed through the generations — Shannon at Pineapples & Artichokes talks about the incredible parenting resource that is her found family, and how she hopes to continue the trend.
• My Family and My Kids — Jorje of Momma Jorje ponders whether she distrusts her family or if she is simply a control freak.
• Parenting with a Hero — Rachel at Lautaret Bohemiet reminisces about the relationship she shared with her younger brother, and how he now shares that closeness in a relationship with her son.
• Text/ended Family — Kenna of A Million Tiny Things wishes her family was around for the Easter egg hunt… until she remembers what it’s actually like having her family around.
• Two Kinds of Families — Adrienne at Mommying My Way writes about how her extended family is just as valuable to her mommying as her church family.
• My ‘high-needs’ child and ‘strangers’ — With a ‘high-needs’ daughter, aNonyMous at Radical Ramblings has had to manage without the help of family or friends, adapting to her daughter’s extreme shyness and allowing her to socialise on her own terms.
• Our Summer Tribe — Justine at The Lone Home Ranger shares a love of her family’s summer reunion, her secret to getting the wisdom of the “village” even as she lives 1,000 miles away.
• My Life Boat {Well, One of Them} — What good is a life boat if you don’t get it? Grandparents are a life boat MomeeeZen loves!
• Dear Children — In an open letter to her children, Laura at Pug in the Kitchen promises to support them as needed in her early days of parenting.
• Yearning for Tribal Times — Ever had one of those days where everything seems to keep going wrong? Amy at Anktangle recounts one such day and how it inspired her to think about what life must’ve been like when we lived together in large family units.
• I don’t have a village — Jessica Claire at Crunchy-Chewy Mama wishes she had family nearby but appreciates their support and respect.
• Trouble With MILs– Ourselves? — Jaye Anne at Wide Awake Half Asleep explains how her arguments with her mother-in-law may have something to do with herself.
• A Family Apart — Melissa at Vibrant Wanderings writes about the challenges, and the benefits, of building a family apart from relatives.
• First Do No Harm — Zoie at TouchstoneZ asks: How do you write about making different parenting choices than your own family experience without criticizing your parents?
• Military Family Separation — Amy Willa shares her feelings about being separated from extended family during her military family journey.
• Forging A Village In The Absence Of One — Luschka from Diary of a First Child writes about the importance of creating a support network, a village, when family isn’t an option.
• Respecting My Sister’s Parenting Decisions — Dionna at Code Name: Mama‘s sister is guest posting on the many roles she has as an aunt. The most important? She is the named guardian, and she takes that role seriously.
• Multi-Generational Living: An Exercise in Love, Patience, and Co-Parenting — Boomerang Mama at The Other Baby Book shares her experience of moving back in with Mom and Dad for 7 months, and the unexpected connection that followed.
• A Heartfelt Letter to Family: Yes, We’re Weird, but Please Respect Us Anyway — Sheila of A Living Family sincerely expresses ways she would appreciate her extended family’s support for her and her children, despite their “weird” parenting choices.
• The nuclear family is insane! — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle is grateful for family support, wishes her Mum lived closer, and feels an intentional community would be the ideal way to raise her children.

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