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How To Talk To Parents About Gentle Alternatives To Spanking

Posted in Carnival, Parenting, Peace, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 30, 2012 | 21 Comments »

Welcome to the Spank Out Day 2012 Carnival

This post was written for inclusion in the Second Annual Spank Out Day Carnival hosted by Zoie at TouchstoneZ. Spank Out Day was created by The Center for Effective Discipline to give attention to the need to end corporal punishment of children and to promote non-violent ways of teaching children appropriate behavior. All parents, guardians, and caregivers are encouraged to refrain from hitting children on April 30th each year, and to seek alternative methods of discipline through programs available in community agencies, churches and schools. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

***

You Are A Good Listener

via quinn.anya on flickr

Is there any parenting topic that isn’t potentially divisive? Certainly there are some that are less polarizing than others. But I can guarantee that no matter how you approach almost any parenting issue, someone will take offense, feel judged or at the very least question themselves.

Spanking is arguably one of the most strongly debated parenting issues. Many people see that there is only one right way to treat corporal punishment in parenting and will vehemently express their disdain for other methods.

So, how do you broach the subject in a way that allows passionate opinions to coexist while creating dialogue? Specifically, how do you support someone in entertaining the idea that there might be a different approach to parenting than punishment-especially corporal punishment?

Before you begin

Firstly, ask yourself why you want to talk about alternatives to hitting. If it is because you feel the other parent is in the wrong, then you’ve got some background work to do to separate out the person from the actions.

Once you can stop judging the parent, then you are getting to a space for dialogue.

Step back again and really look

Ask whether the parent is actually open to listening to gentler alternatives. Most often, someone really needs to feel listened to first. They may need to be heard deeply and frequently, before they are willing to listen to anything someone else has to say.

The best way to know if someone is ready to listen is when they ask to hear what you have to say. You can invite this questioning simply by being a good listener and letting them know you are available should they ever want to know more.

Starting the Conversation

Once you have moved beyond judgments and know that someone is actively seeking a different approach, then it’s time to give them all the advice you can, right? Nope. With all the time you’ve spent ensuring that they felt heard, you’ve picked out a few gems that you can share.

Share how sometimes you get really angry, and that you’re not different from other parents because you somehow don’t get mad at your perfect children. Talk about the personal lessons you’ve learned. Lessons you know so well that you can use “I” statements about. These are ones highlight how you chose not to set up a power play with your kids. They might be stories about how you succeeded or failed at meeting your ideals, but they show how family dynamics allow you to learn together. Back those up with a select few reputable resources that you can recommend for further information, if they want to.

The point is to allow them to make the idea of gentler view of parenting their own. However they learn about and utilize the tools of non-violent discipline choices is up to them. They’ll already know you can be trusted to listen and not judge them as they make mistakes, and that they can keep trying.

On the Fallacy of Facts Trumping Beliefs

When we become knowledgeable about the benefits of gentler alternatives to hitting, we tend to think that once someone else reads the same studies and articles, they will let go of everything they once practiced and never punish a child again. But, this doesn’t take into account the complex belief systems that we hold around our parenting choices.

If someone does have a moment of dramatic change like this, it invariably comes from within them. It’s a rare person who has a moment of awakening after being given some facts. And if it does happen, it’s even rarer that it is a lasting change.

More often when someone is confronted by studies that contradict their belief system, they will deny the studies and turn away. It’s understandable since those studies are often offered as a way to prove them wrong instead of to support them in deciding to consider a gentler path.

Effecting Change

So, you’ve listened and you’ve talked. Hopefully, you’ve done more listening than talking. But, now you have to let it go. This passion you have to raise awareness about gentler alternatives to hitting needs to be put aside yet again as you allow the other parent a chance to decide what to make of your conversation. You may reiterate that you are here to listen and will offer more information and personal stories if (and, hopefully, when) asked, but you support them. Period.

Now, it’s time to practice your passion. Model the parenting ideals you feel so strongly about in front of your friend. Just as modeling is one of the most effective gentle discipline tools with our children, the other parent can incorporate what they observe of the way you are with children into their own view of discipline.

And if the parent decides not to stop hitting, then you can still effect change for the children who visit your home when you model a different way of parenting around them. In order to practice gentle alternatives to punitive parenting, you have to trust and allow for differences of opinion. It doesn’t mean that you condone the choices because you continue to advocate with your words and actions.

***

Spank Out Day 2012 Carnival hosted by TouchstoneZ

On Carnival day, please follow along on Twitter using the handy #SpankOutCar hashtag. You can also subscribe to the Spank Out Day Carnival Twitter List and Spank Out Day Carnival Participant Feed.
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

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Spank Out Day 2012 Carnival: Call for Submissions

Posted in Carnival, Parenting, Peace, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on April 19, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

Compassion and empathy with children is the same compassion and empathy for the children grown. And there can be the story of mankind. ~me

Monday, April 30th is Spank Out Day, a day to raises awareness about corporal punishment and non-violent ways to raise children. I am inviting anyone who feels inspired to promote non-violent parenting to participate in this event by writing a post about spanking.

It is important to separate out the action of spanking from the individuals who do the spanking. While I feel strongly that corporal punishment is not an effective way to teach children how to become fully realized, healthy adults, I understand that this can be a deeply emotional and controversial issue. So, I ask writers to be mindful of using evidence-based research and to honor the hearts of parents who are trying to do their best for their families.

 

Those guidelines will allow for a more powerful message of acceptance and compassion, along with alternative ideas for positive discipline to be spoken and heard.

 

For inspiration, I suggest you read some of last year’s mini-carnival posts for Spank Out Day:

 

What will/will not be accepted for the carnival:

 

  • Your post must be yours. Any works by other authors that have inspired your post or are used as resources must be listed in your post. Please list sources for any images used in your post.
  • Advertisements or promotions of products or services will not be accepted.
  • Posts that support spanking or corporal punishment will not be accepted.
  • Previously published posts are accepted, provided they are republished on carnival day and updated with at least one new paragraph introducing your post that talks about republishing and any changes you may/may not make to your post.
  • Up to 3 entries per individual are accepted in the carnival, provided they are published on carnival day and meet the other points on this list. Please enter and submit each post separately on the submission form below. If you feel strongly about publishing more than 3 posts, please email me as soon as possible and we can talk about it zoie(dot)touchstonez(at)gmail(dot)com.
  • Posts with anonymous writers are welcome. There will be space for several anonymous posts made available both on my blog and on another, per your preference. I understand that this is a controversial and emotional topic that some may find easier to speak about with their identity protected. I will need to communicate with you, but will support you in keeping your post anonymous. If you are interested in this option, please email me as soon as possible zoie(dot)touchstonez(at)gmail(dot)com. The deadline for submitting the full text of an anonymous post is noon PST, April 27, 2012.
  • Personal stories are welcome and honored in this carnival. However, overly critical or judgmental posts about individuals who practice corporal punishment or other parenting styles will not be accepted. (To clarify, something such as, “parents who spank are bad/evil/abusive, in my opinion” is not appropriate for this carnival. Something such as, “the [resource citation/link] shows that spanking produces the following types of behaviors in relationships/children/etc” is acceptable for this carnival.)
  • Other creative projects are welcome, if you feel inspired. Please email me as soon as possible to discuss your ideas. The deadline for this is noon PST April 27, 2012.
  • I reserve the right to remove links to any posts from the final carnival link list on carnival day that do not comply with these points. I will do my best to communicate with the writer, as time allows, on carnival day and work with them to edit the post for carnival acceptance.

 

If you are questioning whether a post you would like to write will be accepted, I welcome you to email it to me at zoie(dot)touchstonez(at)gmail(dot)com no later than noon PST April 27, 2012, and I will go over your post with you. I would find it helpful if you address specific questions/comments about a post in the body of the email.

 

To participate, please fill out and submit the form below before midnight PST, Saturday, April 28, 2012. The first carnival link list will be sent out on Sunday, April 29, 2012.

Please schedule your post to go live before 10am PST on carnival day, Monday, April 30, 2012. The final carnival link list will be emailed to the participants later that day.

 

I hope you will consider participating in the carnival. I am excited to read the participant posts.

If you have trouble accessing the submission form below, you can access it directly here.

 

~~This sentence is inspired by a famous Steinbeck quote from “East of Eden” on last year’s carnival.

 

 

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The Wager

Posted in Parenting, tagged , , , , , , , on November 20, 2011 | 10 Comments »

Splashes approximating bigBy entering into this whole parenting thing, I’ve chosen to be an ideal parent. There is no option to opt out of it. My every decision is related to being the best parent I can be. Yet, I doubt my ability to be the ideal parent. I feel like a fraud when I write about how to handle tricky parenting situations with calm, patience and compassion. I know that I yelled at my kids this morning, and then wrote a post about valuing everyone’s needs in the afternoon.

I’ve considered packing up shop here when I read others who seem to be struggling with their parenting far less than I do on a daily, sometimes even hourly basis. I’m not someone who should be giving parenting advice or spouting off on how to communicate effectively with my partner.

But, even more than this, I have lingering doubts that I should be parenting at all. When I had PPD, I believed that my children would be better off without me. I have yet to completely shake off this belief.

It haunts me every time I have flash backs or realize that I may have reacted with a millisecond hand-twitch because I’m incapable of coping with my overwhelm in the moment and a child has intruded with a legitimate need. Even on a normal day, if I’m short with someone, I bring up that PPD thought to question torture myself.

I don’t live up to my perfect ideals of a calm, compassionate Yogini. I have judgments arise. I’m erratic instead of placid. I have ADHD and anxiety. I have a lot of tools to deal with these and I’ve got plenty of practice in effective apologies. But, I always fall short.

I’m not the writer I want to be. I have too many unfinished pieces and unformed ideas. I don’t edit closely enough. I write on the fly (like this) more often than I would like to and those researched posts never seem to make it where I want to. And I’m avoiding writing about more things, when I get stuck in navel-gazing issues like I have been lately.

While I’m standing here naked, I’ll share this shadow. I’ve often wondered why I am still alive. I thought that there was some magical age that I would be grown up and get over this obsession I have with the big, deep (pedantic?) questions about existence.

There’s a reason Buddha, Nietzsche, Schopenhauer, Lewis, Patanjali, Shakespeare, King, and their subsequent musers are dog-eared and rarely leave my bedside table for long. I keep cracking open their brains and poking around for “the” answer.

Joy

Image by alancleaver_2000 via Flickr

Surprisingly, I am happy, beneath all this maudlin, and self-indulgent, thinking. When I let myself, I know there is a priori to everything good. All life is fundamentally good.

I see it in the moment my children were born. They were so bright, it almost blinded me. I can see it in anyone at any given time, when they let their persona slip (especially in yoga class or while they’re lost in a moment of fun.) Most of the time we manage to keep it well hidden.

I can’t feel it, but I keep coming back to this idea: If you spend your whole life pretending to be good, then you are indistinguishable from a good person. Relentless hypocrisy becomes truth. Meaning, it doesn’t matter whether you are the parent or the person you desperately want to be. If you make every decision as you believe that person, or parent, would, in the end you were your true, good self. You succeeded, despite your doubts.

Sure takes the weight off, don’t it? I don’t have to be good or whole or perfect or anything inside. I can be a total, unapologetic fake within my heart, as long as I act as if that heart were pure and true. I’ve done the same thing in the end.

And maybe, just maybe, if I direct a little bit of that back inward, I’ll see that I really am all the things I want to be. If I let myself. Occasionally.

How do you get through on days that you fell short of your ideals? How about on days when you are fully conscious of your failures, but you have to keep trudging along anyway? I’d love to hear from you.

NaBloPoMo 2011

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The Art of Surrender

Posted in Mindfulness, Parenting, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on November 18, 2011 | 9 Comments »

The Art of Surrender

The Art of Surrender

When I hear the word surrender, I tend to react in a negative way. I think of it as submitting, giving up or giving in. I think of surrender as letting go of my power or my protection. I am vulnerable to anything or anyone that might hurt me. So I struggle when someone says the word surrender to me.

But, I’ve learned that surrendering does not mean becoming weak. I’ve learned that if I become softer with something, I actually find strength. I am able to allow my inner strength to bubble up. I don’t often trust that it will be there or that it will be strong enough, but my strength always is.

I’m not sure why I don’t believe in my strength (but I have a few ideas that I won’t go into here.) It has never failed me when I have truly allowed it to come up instead interfering with it by holding on.

I have birthed four children and each time, I was not able to do it until I surrendered into the act of birth. In that letting go of my control, I found strength I never knew I had. It was the strength to bring another human being out of my body and into the world. I held onto this strength for quite a long time after each birth, but it doesn’t remain with me unless I surrender into it again.

Surrendering is natural for my state, but my life has encouraged my belief that being tight and unyielding cultivates strength. There can be a place for that kind of strength, but it has never worked as well for me as the fluidity of surrender.

Every guilt-memory I have created for myself as a parent is also one I can point to as being one where I did not surrender and trust myself. I can’t seem to hold onto the memory of my power to create unless I mindfully do the work.

It is the small examples of surrender I think of as mindfully doing the work. Such as, when I’m struggling to get my kids out the door and it seems like we’re moving in lock step toward a power struggle. It takes a long time and is unpleasant for us all unless one of us opts out of the struggle.

As the parent, that would be me who has to the responsibility to surrender in that moment. Once I withdraw from our ego-battle and surrender into our rhythms, the oppressive atmosphere lifts. We get out the door more quickly and most often manage to do it smiling.

All it took was for me to surrender and the strength to smoothly get out the door arrived. Yet, again I am focusing on my kids as the “problem” to fix in order to get out the door. I should be focusing on myself as part of the solution to getting out the door.

Whether I’m the entire problem or whether my kids pick up on my attitude and react (which I then react to and so on; back and forth) isn’t as important as remembering that the only thing I can control is how I feel about what is happening and what I do with those feelings.

I have had this happen in Yoga class, too. My inner monologue says that a pose is hard for me and I tighten up. Then begins the battle between my body and my will. I fight and struggle to open. If I’m lucky, I remember to let go and start mentally looking for places I’m holding tension or pushing against. I back off on the tension and the pushing and find that there is so much more space to move into. I never would have found flexibility without injury unless I became soft.

I have the same experience with writing, which is how this piece is actually appearing tonight. I have had a sinus headache and have been worried about what to write for my daily post all day. I’ve been searching for inspiration, getting more stressed about it as the day goes on. Until finally, when there are only a few minutes left before it is time for the kids’ bedtime routine, I was willing to surrender into whatever came out of me. I sat down; took some deep breaths and began with the idea of surrender.

I have memories of this happening with exams in school, presentations at work, projects, decisions, travels with my family, and the list goes on. Most of all, I remember this happening with PPD. It was worse when I struggled and fought. Surrendering while depressed was much more frightening to me because feelings of death feel real. I was always in panic-mode if I thought I was going to get lost in the darkness and never find my way back. Whenever I was able to face that fear, healing became easier and I was kinder to myself.

This leads me to the realization that there are times when I need to step back from being engaged in the moment (or perhaps, more explicitly, being disengaged because I’m worrying about the future or the past) and become the observer. There are times when being in the moment can be more of a trap and it is necessary to get a clear view. I cannot get rid of my ego with another active action of my ego. The work is looking at each situation and deciding whether it will be better served by diving back into the flow or stepping out to observe. Either way, I need to surrender and trust in myself.

How do you feel about surrendering? Do you fight against it or are you able to access power through the art of observation and letting go? I would love to hear from you.

NaBloPoMo 2011

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10 Ways to Be a More Connected Parent Today

Posted in Parenting, tagged , , , , , , , , , on November 16, 2011 | 14 Comments »

Connected Parenting

Continuing the NaBloPoMo posts that scare me, I’m combining two at once:  “the list post” and “the advice post.” I don’t mind sharing my own experiences in the spirit of sharing and connecting. But, I shy away from giving advice because I believe things are best discovered on our own.

So, here’s my advice on being a more connected parent today, in list form:

 

  1. Turn off the electronics

    2. Yes, there are always things to do and people to reply to. If you’re not willing to turn these off to be a connected parent right now, then try another time when you do want to. And it’s better to be honest with yourself about this up front and do this when you really want to. You’re the only one who is going to know or judge yourself for when you feel most ready to unplug and tune into your child.

  2. Stop, Look, and Listen

    3. Whatever your expectations about connecting with your child, stop holding onto them. Get down with your child and look at what they’re interested in from their point of view. Stop and look them in the eyes, this time not from adult height, but from child-level. Listen to what they have to say and then ask simple questions to open them up more about it. Be interested.

  3. Be out of control

    4. Stop being the parent for awhile. It’s okay to let go of being in charge of the situation. This means, don’t structure or plan. Don’t look at the clock. Just see where your child wants to explore and go along for the ride.

  4. Put your own issues on hold

    5. If you don’t like it when your child says or does certain things that you feel are rude, overly demanding, or push your buttons for whatever reason, it’s time to put it aside until later. This time is for connecting. The only part of being the responsible parent that you should hold onto is being able to not react to your emotions until another time. It is okay to express your feelings, but do so using “I” statements that support your needs without blame or shame.

  5. Do what your child wants to do

    6. Don’t try to direct the activities. Go along with their imagination. Be the follower and let them lead. Talk about why and how. Be interested in what they’re trying to explore without steering the conversation to things that make sense or have a resolution.

  6. Find the yes in the no

    7. If your child wants to do something that you normally say no to, pause for an extra breath and think about why you’re saying no. Can you say yes? What’s the harm? If you’re not controlling things, maybe you can let it go. If the answer still needs to be no, perhaps it can be rephrased into a yes. Instead, “No. Stop chasing the cat with the lightsaber,” try something playfully positive like, “Lightsabers are for battling with other lightsabers. The cat doesn’t enjoy being chased. I can challenge you to a battle in which I assure you of defeat, Jedi, or you can meet me in a war of Lego building.”

  7. Use your beginner’s mind

    8. Think about what your child might be exploring with their play or speech. Put yourself in their position and imagine what it is like to encounter new things. Be playful with them and support them in trying new things. Failing can be a good thing, especially when someone is with you unconditionally. That’s an important lesson to learn from a parent and it doesn’t take much from us-just the ability to forget all we think we know as the supposedly mature one.

  8. Stop, Drop and Roll

    9. Stop whatever you’re doing. Kick off your shoes. Get on the floor and get physical. Touching, playing and cuddling are all done best at the child’s level and this means getting low. Following their lead to crawl around and be with them on the floor can go a long way to connecting. If your child isn’t responding, just reclining on the floor and relaxing is an invitation to join you. Sometimes the quiet play next to one another can be just as connecting as active play.

  9. Forget those teachable moments

    10. Parents love to make every moment meaningful. But, it can sound like lecturing if it’s done often. And by often, I mean that it’s probably a good idea to bite your tongue about a lesson to learn 99 times out of 100 (if not 100 out of 100.) Sharing teachable moments can suck the joy out of being in the moment. It puts up a wall between you. If you need to spread your parental wisdom, get a blog (no comments from the peanut gallery, please ;p )

  10. Laugh

    11. If you must schedule something, then set a timer to laugh at regular intervals. It doesn’t have to make sense. It doesn’t have to have anything to do with what you and your child are doing in that moment. You’re not being the adult right now.  Just laugh. Giggle. Decide to be happy. Even if you have to fake the chuckles at first. If you give it a genuine try to fake it until you make it, it’s irresistible.

What else should be added to this list? Have you got numbers 11+ to share? I’d love to hear from you.

NaBloPoMo 2011

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Guest Posts at Little Hearts

Posted in Parenting, Guest Post, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 4, 2011 | Leave a Comment »

Today, the wonderful L.R. Knost, author of Little Hearts book series, is sharing two of my posts about Gentle Parenting on her blog: Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources. Please pop by and check them out. You may remember them from my April series:

Are You Asking Me or Telling Me?

and

Flipping Off Your Kids

Read them both at Little Hearts now…

About L.R.: L.R.Knost, author of Wisdom For Little Hearts children’s books, devotional guides, and parenting guides, is a homeschooling mother of six and a published, award-winning author whose other works include a devotional prayer guide, a children’s writing curriculum, and a children’s church curriculum. She has written, produced, and directed numerous plays and church dramas and has won multiple awards for her poetry as well as an international award from Steeple Hill’s Love Inspired Collection for her novel, The Hamilton Legacy.

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Wordless: One of my Best Gentle Parenting Tools

Posted in Parenting, Wordless, tagged , , , on June 22, 2011 | 3 Comments »

Timer

Timer

This simple kitchen timer is one of my go to tools for gentle discipline. It takes the power struggles out of ending activities. Instead of my saying, “It’s time to be done.” I say, “The timer has xx minutes left…” No more arguing with mom for power. This timer diffuses the focus onto an inanimate object. Plus, they love setting it themselves.

Do you have a go to gentle parenting tool? I’d love to hear from you.

Posted with WordPress on my BlackBerry while NAK in the dark (enjoy the typos ;)

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Spank Out Day

Posted in Parenting, Peace, tagged , , , , , , , , , on April 30, 2011 | 12 Comments »

Happy Spank Out Day! Thank you for helping to spread the word that there are gentler alternatives to spanking!

The greatest terror a child can have is that he is not loved, and rejection is the hell he fears. I think everyone in the world to a large or small extent has felt rejection. And with rejection comes anger, and with anger some kind of crime in revenge for the rejection, and with the crime guilt — and there is the story of mankind.

-John Steinbeck, East of Eden, 1952

Some of my favorite quotes from Twitter and Facebook about gentle alternatives to Spanking:

K from The Schoening Cancer FREE Journey

A kiss. A kind word.

 

M from BoldLiving

All I can say is this — our children trust us completely. We are their world. When we spank, hit, or yell, we violate that trust and make them question their security in the world. If they lose their faith in us, how are they going to have faith in the world? What kind of people will they become if they learn in childhood that the world cannot be trusted?

I should note, I was spanked as a child. It wasn’t often, but I have very clear memories of it. I adore my parents, who I believe truly did what they believed was best. They did not come from gentle parenting homes, and their approach was far more gentle than what they grew up with. But there is no doubt in my mind that I experienced a feeling of alone-ness (is that a word?) as a result of these incidents when I was spanked.

I wanted to to add one more thing. The world is full of all kinds of people, and our kids will encounter so many situations beyond our control. I want them to know that there is a place of unconditional love and safety, where hitting of any kind is not going to happen to them. I want them to know that love does not involve hitting. When they go out into the world on their own, I want them to believe that such love is not only possibe, but to be expected from their closest friends and one day their husbands. I want them to give that kind of love and receive it. It’s a long path from a spanking by a parent to a slap from a boyfriend, but I want them to know what unconditional love is. I feel that when a parent spanks a child, no matter their justification or their own understanding of it as a discipline tool, they are influencing how that child will interact with loved ones throughout heir lives. A loving relationship (be it parent-child, spouses, friends, etc.), should be a safe and peaceful one. I hope I can instill that in my children.

…Ok, one more thing! LOL I love [Relevant Mom’s] (see below) response regarding faith in God. I don’t have that same faith in a single being or person, meaning church or Christ. However, I do have faith that the universe is a grand and spiritual place filled with people of all types, including the majority of loving, well-meaning people. Faith in humanity, faith in the universe, faith in the world…..by these I mean a belief that people are generally good, and that my children can and will seek out those people in life. They will learn that there are people in this world that are not so good, that are to be avoided, but how will they know the difference if the people they value most as children hit and yell at them?

K from Relevant Mom

Ok, hopefully I explain this well. I come at this from a different place. I avoid spanking not to inspire faith in the world or me, because both, no matter their intention are ultimately flawed, fallible, and conditional–they WILL fail my children. I am honest to their level of understanding about this with them. But that doesn’t equate to cynicism at all–I believe there is a place they can put their faith, and not spanking is one small way of helping them glimpse that. I avoid spanking to inspire trust in God, the only place that I can, and they can, ultimately place faith, in my view. I know this is difficult for those who know Christianity as “spare the rod…” to understand, and I’m not looking to argue my faith or understanding-it simply is, and has come and continues to develop through a lot of study-I’m merely explaining. As a parent, I feel my model is in Jesus, who I believe showed God’s ways in the flesh on Earth, and it is my job to show as much as I am capable His love, offered through me to them, with credit to Him, ultimately drawing them closer to Him (closer to me is a wonderful benefit, but *I* am not the center, because again I am flawed and unfortunately won’t always be here–they need a center they can ALWAYS depend on. I believe my children are God’s and I am merely loaned them and entrusted with their care to His purpose in the world). Therefore, I feel called to use Jesus’ tools…radical empathy, compassion, and acceptance. Modeling those tools for them to the best of my ability, ultimately supports their understanding that THOSE are the tools they also are called to use for themselves. There is a lot more to my viewpoint, scripturally, and otherwise, but really that is it in a nutshell. I know there are those who will say, but what about all the terrible, punitive God caused “xyz” that happened in the Bible, to which I say, yes, yes it did…BEFORE Jesus came, and EVERYTHING changed. Sharing another viewpoint.

From @hsofia:

My thought abt #spankoutday – I don’t spank my kid bc I don’t think it’s appropriate to hit ppl who don’t do what I say. But that’s just me.

I was spanked as a kid and don’t think it scarred me but don’t think it was necessary. It definitely made me more timid. #spankoutday

And a few quotes from my own kids:

When asked what spanking was, Nat answered, “It’s Spanish for ‘Hola.’”

Later, when spanking is explained to him, his response is, “Why would a grown up hit a kid? Grown ups love kids and kids love grown ups.”


Please stop by and leave some comment love on some of these posts for Spank Out Day 2011:

Do you have a post that you’d like to add to the list? Please add your link in the comments section.

If you would like to participate, please comment below and check out my Great Spank Out page for ideas

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The Great Spank Out

Posted in Parenting, Peace, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on April 28, 2011 | 18 Comments »

The Great Spank Out Day of 2011 is on April 30th. That is just two days away!
Update: Hop on over to the Spank Out Day post for all the posts and link ups!

I’m asking anyone who does not believe in corporal punishment and is looking for or is already practicing a gentler approach to discipline to write something in honor of Great Spank Out Day. My hope is that we’ll raise awareness against spanking.

If you have a blog, please post something about corporal punishment and non-violent alternatives. You can link it up on my April 30th post.

If you do not have a blog, I welcome you to email me at zoie {dot} touchstonez {at} gmail {dot} com, tweet me or comment below with anything you would like to contribute and I’m happy to post it here.

If you don’t have your own blog, here are some ideas for writing that I am happy to post here for you:

  • A favorite quote (with author attributed)
  • A clip from Youtube
  • A photo (with right to share it)
  • A poem or creative piece
  • A photo of art created by you that is inspired by saying no to corporal punishment
  • A link to an article or post you read somewhere that you liked
  • Recommend a book you read or want to read
  • Write a sentence, paragraph or essay (300-800 words) about your own experience with spanking and non-punitive discipline
  • Write about the research on the ineffectiveness of corporal punishment
  • Write about your own desires to practice gentle discipline
  • Write about the practice of Ahimsa or non-harming
  • Any other idea you have on a related area

If you do have your own blog, please link up in the comments below and I’ll add you to a list on my post of April 30th

If you can’t contribute by April 30th, that’s fine, too. I’ll be happy to add your contribution any time.

This is the website for the Official Spank Out Day 2011. You can find all sorts of  info and ideas here.

Let’s gather together and help spread the word that there is a gentler way.

I look forward to reading whatever you wish to share on April 30th.

If you would be so kind as to tweet, facebook or otherwise share this post everywhere you feel, I would greatly appreciate it. My blog has a tiny audience and while, I’m not looking to self-promote, I am looking to spread this idea as far as possible. With that in mind, fell free to take this idea, this post, etc, and use it. I would appreciate a heads up so I can follow along and support you with comments, etc.

Namaste, y’all

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Flipping Off Your Kids

Posted in Parenting, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on April 15, 2011 | 17 Comments »

Another trick to connecting while correcting
Part 2 in my Gentle Discipline April Mini-Series.
You can read Part 1 here: Are You Asking Me or Telling Me

My photos that have a creative commons license...

Image via Wikipedia

One of the biggest gentle discipline challenges for me is parenting during transitions. Going from one task to another or leaving one place for another can try the patience of the most keyed in parent-child pair. Some of the techniques I’ve used with success to ease the transitions are:

  • Explicitly stating that we will be going somewhere or moving to a different task, making sure to include sharing that this means stopping what we are currently involved in.
  • Getting down on their level, making eye contact and possibly using touch to be certain they understand
  • Explaining how long before the transition will happen and either
      • Let them set a timer or letting them know I am setting it
      • Verbally counting down the time left, along with reminders that this means our current activity will be ending and the new one beginning
  • Talking about things to look forward to after the transition
  • Keeping It Simple
  • Giving them a job to help us get out the door so they feel like they are contributing to our family
  • Affirming their power to choose for themselves, whenever possible, anything they may want to wear, bring or do while going
  • Always using a calm, reassuring voice (even when annoyed or frustrated)[1]
  • If necessary, modeling my feelings of worry about not meeting my needs, etc, using “I” statements.

Some of you may read this list and think I’m going through an awful lot just to get us out the door peacefully. I could simply ignore their needs, bundle them up and get them out the door. But, that will end in tears-usually for all of us. And this is what I would like to avoid by honoring everyone’s needs.

I feel it is my job as a parent to guide and facilitate through things that are difficult for them. They are learning about the world and don’t have the frame of reference that I do (hopefully) as an adult. I try to respect that until they have enough repetition with transitions, this can be challenging for them. Eventually, these tools will no longer necessary and we’ll move more easily from one thing to another.

Most of the time, these techniques allow us to move fairly smoothly from one thing to the next. I rarely need to use all of these techniques at once. But, sometimes I do use them all.

And sometimes I use them all and there’s still a toddlerpreschoolermommy meltdown.

Sometimes there’s a breakdown in our communication. Sometimes a meltdown is inevitable as a pressure valve simply needs release. Sometimes there’s not a reason I can point to.

I have to admit, I do not do well with meltdowns. The noise, that particular pitch of children, goes directly through my bones. I have to use all of my will to contain my feelings of anger. And this is where I gain some understanding of what it must be like to be a child who is so much smaller than an adult;

An adult who can turn the world upside down with one word, look or hand used in anger.

If I’m the (supposed) adult in control here and I’m having trouble not melting down, how must it feel to someone without experience with emotional control? I’ve had PPD and a bit of experience with the fear of having an emotion so large that there’s no guarantee that it will ever stop or that it won’t swallow me whole.

This is what I call “Flipping Off My Kids”

It’s a slightly tongue-in-cheek reminder to lighten up and ask myself:

  • How would I feel if I were in the middle of something and had to immediately drop what I was doing?
  • How would I feel if I declined the request and the person yelled at me? Would I feel it was a request or a demand couched as a request?
  • How would I feel if my needs weren’t listened to and I was made to go somewhere or do something without any say in the matter?
  • How would I feel if all my power was subsumed by someone physically and emotionally larger than myself?

I remind myself of how completely absorbing activities can be for children; how hard transitions can be. I flip my own false belief which leads to the reaction “Look what they are doing to me!” into empathetic understanding that this is what they are feeling without the (supposed) adult maturity and frame of reference to handle such overwhelming feelings.

I slow down. I breathe. I calmly state what I’m feeling. It doesn’t matter whether I think they are hearing me. They will respond to my mood, if not my exact words. If I can let go of our appointment or task, I let it go. I’ll take a break if it means not yelling. Even if I don’t have an adult to spell me out. I would rather close the door on my kids, after explaining that I need a moment of quiet time, than yell something I’ll regret later. I pull out all my stops for self-soothing that I need to get us to where we need to be.

Once I can get to a little bit of calm within myself, then I can figure whether they need me to hold the space for them, distract them, talk with them, soothe them… Whatever works to help them come back from that scary tantrumy place and know that, yet again, they were able to control their emotions, that they are not their emotions, and that emotions are neither good nor bad. Emotions just are.

And most importantly, I want them to know that they are always loved and always Good kids. Nothing they could ever do could change that.

I’ll reiterate that this is one of my most challenging parenting times and I do not always succeed the way I wish. Especially when all three are wailing and I just want to wish myself away, I can often feel most affirmed, most loving, and most alive if, if, I can bring myself into the present moment and be with myself and with my kids.


[1] Although, I do think it is valid to show your emotions in your voice, but always with “I” statements. No matter how much the urge is to punish, shame or blame, I stick to the “I” statements.

[2] This will soon link to an upcoming post about identifying needs

How do you handle transitions? Have you tried some of these ideas or do you have any other tools that have been effective for you? Are there some tools that do not work for your family? Do you think you’ll try “Flipping your kids off?” I’d love to hear from you.

This is a series, but I haven’t written the next part, yet. Are there any parenting issues you would like to see here? Please let me know.[2]

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