Postpartum depression

Posts Tagged ‘Postpartum depression’

This Week’s Warm Link Hugs: 6 November 2011

Posted in Link Love, tagged Authentic Parenting, Babble, BlogHer, Crappy Pictures, Family, googlereader, hobomama, Home, McCrenshaw, Mother, NaBloPoMo, Parent, parenting, Postpartum depression, sunday surf, Twitter, warm link hugs on November 6, 2011 | 9 Comments »

I have an addiction to my Google Reader. So to justify it, I’m sharing some of my favorite blog posts and articles that I’ve come across. I’m joining it up with Authentic Parenting’s Sunday Surf.

This month, I’m participating in two writing projects. Hobo Mama and Mom Grooves have created a month-long “complete your novel project” for those of us who don’t want to write an entire novel from scratch, but want to work on that never-finished piece. I’ve agreed to write 30 minutes every day this month for NaNoProgMo. It’s not much time, but it’s more than I’ve been doing which was slightly less than 30 minutes by about a half hour.

I’m also participating in NaBloPoMo, which is an agreement to post every day for the month of November. I’m posting here daily and also on my profile blog on BlogHer, using their prompts. I’m really interested in doing this because I want to see if I can. I’m curious to see what I will think about the experience after a month. Also, I’m planning to start a second blog specifically for homeschooling. If I can manage this month, I think I’ll have a better handle on what I need to do to succeed in the way I’d like with writing two blogs. (by the way, you can track my progress in both projects with the tickers on the right)

So, since writing has been on my mind this month, my husband is hearing a lot about writing, blogging, and the many, many wonderful connections I’ve made with people online. He doesn’t quite understand when I refer to my many imaginary friends that I have grown to care about. Good Day, Regular People has this hilarious ~~twelve step program~~ series to help our partners get it, “When Someone You Love Has A Blog.”

The Feminist Breeder is a consistently good blogger and she’s very choosey about who guests posts on her blog. So, when Parenting, Illustrated with Crappy Pictures guest posts, you know it’s going to be entertaining. It’s very funny look into The Real Life of a “Famous” Mom Blogger, Illustrated with Crappy Pictures. Yeah, I don’t have the famous part, but every other glamourous picture was spot on.

The ever wonderful Patti from Jazzy Mama wrote this excellent series on money that covers everything from her philosophy about how much money to give her kids, dividing money between herself and her spouse, making choices between material goods and freedom, and how important money is to happiness. Some of the posts may get you questioning your own opinions-some may challenge you a lot. I promise they will give you lots to think about.

It’s Ok and McCrenshaw’s Newest Thoughts are cohosting the Mindful Parenting Collaboration Challenge. They’re inviting other bloggers to explore 20 aspects of mindful parenting, such as gentle discipline, realistic expectations, rhythm, nature, working through the body, and inner work. With two weeks on each one, it allows plenty of time to consider the concept, apply it to our parenting, write about our experience, and read other people’s results as well. The first topic, Inner Work, has already begun, but you can join in any time.

Looking for more great reads? Please check out my Facebook Page, Follow me on Twitter and Follow my Google Reader where I share even more of my favorite posts (and of course, surf on over to Authentic Parenting. She’s always got something good to read)

Did you make to the end? If you’ve got a List of Favorite Links that you blog, feel free to link it up below in the comments section!

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To My Dear One

Posted in Parenting, Personal, Pregnancy & Birth, tagged Family, Health, Just Be Enough, letter, letter to my future child, Mental health, parenting, Peace, Postpartum depression, Pregnancy, Sibling on October 12, 2011 | 14 Comments »

Every week join us. Write, post, link-up, share your story and your voice. Be part of carrying the weight of confidence, empowerment and share our mission to empower, inspire, and remind women, parents and children that the time has come to celebrate ourselves! This week we were asked to post a Just.Be.Enough moment in the form of a letter to our future children or our future selves

***

To My Dear One,

I already miss you. I don’t know what you were to look like. I don’t know your name. I don’t know your favorite ice cream flavor.

I’ve never met you. I might never meet you. But, I love you and I grieve for you.

I knew with every fiber of my being that we were meant to be together, but your father did not feel it the same way. And we had to believe it together for you to be here. He was willing to stay with me for our entire lives without children that he desperately wanted and I did not because he loved me. He never held it over me or tried to change my mind. He accepted and embraced that sadness. He was willing to open himself again to the hope of children when I changed my mind.

I could not bring you here unless you were wanted with two wide open hearts.

I understand why he felt this way. He had a tough few years after your brothers and sister were born. His wife had post partum depression. Twice. He lost his daughter and almost lost his wife. Twice. These have taken a toll on his well-being and mental health. I know he worried about another repetition of these things. I know he is fearful of the unknown specter of something worse.

Your father worried about being financially solid with four children. He had concerns about being emotionally capable of assisting four beings to fully realize who they are going to be.

I worried about those things too. I thought about them deeply. I knew you were worth the risk because I already loved you. How could I deny your existence when I already held you inside my heart? Just like I already knew your siblings, I knew your kicks as I nurtured you inside my body. Already knew your birth. Already held you to my breast. Already helped your first steps. Already heard echoes of your laughter in our home.

I grieve you not being here as much as if you had been.

Goodbye my love,
Your Mother

A Letter to *Those* Parents (touchstonez.com)
Handling Big Emotions with Roleplaying (touchstonez.com)
Homebirth: Dancing with the Light (touchstonez.com)
Swammie Mommie (touchstonez.com)
Living by the Yamas and Niyamas (touchstonez.com)
One Good Return: Guest Writer Wrap Up (touchstonez.com)
I knew I had to… moment (touchstonez.com)

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This Week’s Warm Link Hugs: 9 October 2011

Posted in Link Love, tagged Authentic Parenting, Babble, Family, googlereader, Home, Mother, parenting, Postpartum depression, sunday surf, Twitter, warm link hugs on October 9, 2011 | 2 Comments »

Do you ever feel like you want to bag all of this virtually-connected life and find your nature within and the natural without? Naked in Eden Blog has this post Return to the Wild Within-My Manifesto. She says, “I have stopped working online seven days a week. In doing so, I return to a part of myself that is so familiar. It feels like I’m “going home””… read more

I love this short, funny post about Breastfeeding by Star Wars from 2 Sleeping Babies. If you’ve got more than one child, you’ll relate to what it’s like when older siblings are running around with you in the eye of the storm.

If you have ever struggled to understand what post partum depression feels like or to explain what it is, then this post from Post Partum Progress will break it down for you, The Symptoms of Post Partum Depression and Anxiety (in Plain Mama English)

There was a dustup about feminism and formula companies giving samples out to moms this week. Two pieces of brilliant writing (that will also give you the background, in case you missed it) are The Feminist Breeder‘s Why I’m a Feminist and a Lactivist and Farren Square‘s From A Breastfeeding Mom to All Moms, Everywhere. Sadly, the issue has gotten muddled by a lot of passion. These two posts cut right to the heart of the matter. It’s not about the mommy wars. It’s about supporting one another as mothers. It’s about creating real choice and empowerment by saying, “no!” to corporate manipulations designed to keep women uninformed.

One more reason to love the Human Milk for Human Babies founder, Emma Kwasnicka: She pulled out of the Babble “Top 100 Moms Who Are Changing YOUR World” contest because they accept advertising from formula companies who violate the WHO code. You can find out more in Jodine World’s post: Babbling About Breasts, Again.

Remember to check out any of the posts you may have missed in September Mindful Mama Carnival or September’s Letters to Littles.

And two new blogs I came across, I would like to share with you are The Honesty Conspiracy and Parent-Free by Choice. They both are centered around speaking your truth anonymously. I am following along with the moving stories and learning as I struggle with how to write my truth while practicing Ahimsa.

Did you make to the end? If you’ve got a List of Favorite Links that you blog, feel free to link it up below in the comments section!

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BlueBloggers Raising the Stakes for SuicidePrevention

Posted in Postpartum Depression, tagged American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, Blue Bloggers, Death, Disorders, Health, Mental health, Motherhood Unadorned, Postpartum depression, ppd, Suicide, Suicide prevention on September 15, 2011 | 4 Comments »

Which shade of blue for Suicide Prevention?
Last week during National Suicide Prevention Week, a fellow blogger Cristi of Motherhood Unadorned dyed her hair blue after raising over $1,600 for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. She’s a survivor of suicide and is very passionate about the cause, so much so she inspired others to join her effort and get blue streaks when she reached her goal. Check out photos of some of the #bluebloggers!

I was also inspired.

So I’ve decided to help take her team’s suicide prevention fundraising to the next level. As of today, Team Purposeful Practices/Motherhood Unadorned has raised over $2,100. If they reach $5,000 by their Out of the Darkness Walk in Seattle on October 1st I’m dyeing my hair ALL BLUE too … along with many other blogger friends:

Detail of The Death of Socrates. A disciple is...

Image via Wikipedia

Zoie of TouchstoneZ (me)
Amber of Thrifty Ninja
Sadie of Randomosity
Jessica of Punk Rock Momma
Brooke of Untrained Hair Mom
Wendy of Super Saver Mama
Jennifer of Makobi Scribe
Becky of What You Talking Bout Willis
Amanda of Midwestern Moms
Darcy from Tales from the Nursery
Jamie of Maxwell’s Mommy
Jen of Life with Levi
Kimberly of Mommy Goes Something Something

So please donate today HERE to any member of Cristi’s team!

This is such an important cause. Over 35,000 people in the U.S. alone die each year by suicide, and worldwide it’s estimated at one million lives lost. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention is at the forefront of research, education and prevention initiatives designed to reduce loss of life from suicide.

Your donation is 100% tax deductible and you’ll get me closer to blue! I KNOW you want to see that. Don’t worry, there will be lots of photos.

Guest Post at Motherhood Unadorned (touchstonez.com)
Gearing Up for the Out of the Darkness Walk (ashersparents.wordpress.com)
Is Suicide Selfish? (blogher.com)
Metta Tags (touchstonez.com)

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Raging Against Recovery

Posted in Guest Writer, Postpartum Depression, tagged Farewell Stranger, guest post, Guest writer, Postpartum depression, Rage, Robin Farr on August 15, 2011 | 17 Comments »

While I am away from my blog, I am honored to showcase a group of talented writers who have stepped forward with their unique voices in support. Every guest writer who is featured here is one that I strongly suggest you follow. Today, I am pleased to share with you this guest post from Robin from Farewell, Stranger. I would greatly appreciate it if you would stop by her blog and leave some comment love.

***

With Mama Robin

I consider my recovery from postpartum depression to be really recent. As in within the last couple of months. And my son is three years old.

I know people say it’s only PPD until the baby is a year old, but that wasn’t a definition that worked for me. For one thing, what’s to say it’s PPD on day 364 and not day 365? Not to mention that my issues were so clearly related to the birth of my son that it was hard to label it anything else. And I didn’t want to re-label it and encourage it to stick around.

My main symptom was rage. It wasn’t irritability or crankiness. Even “anger” doesn’t really sum it up properly. It was all-out, adrenaline-fuelled rage. And that’s not a quality I want to carry with me past “postpartum” so I choose to define my struggle in a way that helps me heal.

This distinction is important to me because I battled against that rage for a long time. I hid it. I hated myself for succumbing to it. And I thought by denying its very existence I could wait it out.

Not so.

For me this issue was biochemical, I have no doubt. I was very resistant to medication but it wasn’t until I got on the right antidepressant – and the right dose – that I was able to deal with my rage. And instead of raging against the rage, I had to accept it.

This is a very hard thing to do, I know. Since confessing to the depth of my rage I’ve talked to countless other mothers who deal with this as well. It’s scary, especially because it’s hard to control. But, conversely, I had to just let it be in order to get past it.

When our emotions are that hard to control, as can be the case with postpartum mood disorders, it’s hard to step back enough to see what’s going on. In the end I had to take a giant step back in order to get the rage under control. I took a leave of absence from work (for 4 ½ months, as it turned out) and removed myself from all aspects of caring for my child. I had to get my emotions under control, and in order to do that I had to remove the triggers for a bit.

Once I did that I was better able to see how those triggers affected me. If I felt my blood starting to boil, I could escape upstairs to our guest room and leave my husband in charge. Once there, I could address it. I talked to myself and tried to figure out what it was causing me such angst in certain situations. When I didn’t have to handle both a highly energetic almost-three-year-old in addition to my not-functioning self, I could better see that he was just doing what toddlers do. I didn’t have to like all of it, but I did have to figure out how to cope with it.

I never thought I’d have to let the rage in before I could let it out, but that’s what worked for me.

***

Robin Farr is a woman, a writer, a wife, a runner, a communications professional, a speaker and a mom – chronologically, at least. She got mixed up philosophically during her struggle with postpartum depression but wrote her way out of it on her blog, Farewell, Stranger. That experience, and a lifelong habit of finding inspiration in even the bad things that happen to her, led her to a new motto: “Live the life you’re meant to.” She’s now working on doing just that. You can also find Robin on Facebook and Twitter.

Samskaras That I Wish You Saw (touchstonez.com)
Unraveling What I’ve Knit Together (touchstonez.com)
I’ve Gone to the Dark Side (touchstonez.com)
Step On My Welcome Mat (touchstonez.com)

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Samskaras That I Wish You Saw

Posted in Postpartum Depression, Yoga, tagged Disorders, Health, Mental health, Mood, parenting, Pattern, Postpartum depression, samskara, Yoga on July 14, 2011 | 4 Comments »

Image via Wikipedia

In Yoga there is a term for patterns.

They are called Samskaras.

They’re like ruts you can get into, that limit your abilities: always pushing up into down dog from hands and knees might keep you from being able to access down dog from forward bend. Or always taking the option for the most ego-boosting arm balance might keep you from exploring the lessons in surrendering to a pose you view as for beginners. Samskaras cause limitations. They can be eased on like a well-worn slipper. They can be done mindlessly and therefore unquestioned. It’s a way of living life on auto-pilot instead of being fully present.

Samskaras can also be formed in the mind out of false beliefs.

When I was growing up, I dealt with difficult feelings by wanting to disappear. I felt I was only an adjunct to another’s will, so I could leave my body when I needed to escape. When I experienced post partum depression, this samskara most naturally turned even darker. Thoughts of suicide were a natural destination for chemical depression and anxiety laid atop an already existing thought pattern.

One of my biggest fears is that I will yell at my children. It may not seem like a terrible thing, but my mind has fixated upon the idea of yelling as being one of the worst things I could do to my children. I feel that to have their mother yell at them blights their spirit a little each time. It dims their bright beacon of self-hood, just as mind was snuffed out for a time. I haven’t been able to let this pattern go, yet.

I am recovering from post partum depression, but the samskaras remain.

This morning when my oldest son, Nat, turned around and wordlessly screamed at me in frustration, I screamed back at him. My worst fear. I did it. I yelled at my child in rage.

Yet, I realized that it wasn’t his scream that triggered my samskara; it was the micro-movement of pure terror on his face that I saw in the second before his scream. I instinctually reacted to it as the little girl who was powerless to stop painful feelings and had to disappear.

I created my worst fears and I dumped them on my children. The post partum depression samskara immediately arose. I felt the overpowering urge to run away and devise a plan to end my life. It was a pattern. I can see it for the pattern it is and understand that it is not true. It feels true. It is hard to remember that I am not my feelings. I am not that powerless little girl anymore.

I know this, but I don’t believe it. The feelings are almost overwhelming. When I had post partum depression, they were overwhelming and I was unable to find the truth beneath the false pattern. Now, I can see the pattern and I can stop racing to the end of the samskara.

I still have a long path ahead of me to heal, with many of these as yet unrealized ruts to get lodged in. But, I’m humbly walking the path, asking forgiveness when I yell, and hugging the children without and within.

Samskaras are difficult to recognize and break.

More Information:

Facial Micro-Expressions Recognition research paper from University of Tsukuba (pdf)
The Psychology of Facial Expressions from Cambridge University Press (pdf)
American Psychological Association Convention: The Relationship Between FamilyExpressiveness and NonVerbal Communication (pdf)
Post Partum Panic: Not Depressed, Just Scared to Death via Psychology Today
Yoga for Emotional Balance: What Gets in the Way of Change? via Kripalu
Etching Lightly-Releasting Negative Samskaras via Spirit of Change Magazine
Articles on Intrusive Thoughts from Post Partum Progress

Related Articles:

Unraveling What I’ve Knit Together (touchstonez.com)
Do You Know What Sucks? PPD Sucks (touchstonez.com)
I’ve Gone to the Dark Side (touchstonez.com)
Step On My Welcome Mat (touchstonez.com)

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Do you know what sucks? PPD sucks

Posted in Mama Sutras, Parenting, Postpartum Depression, Yoga, tagged meditation, parenting, Postpartum depression, Practices, Thought, Yoga, Yoga Sutras of Patanjali on February 26, 2011 | 11 Comments »

Parenting Off The Mat

Sutra 1.1, Part the Second
atha yoganusasanam
atha = now, at this auspicious, particular moment; after preparation and practice; blessings in place
yoga = process of yoking or integration; union
anusasanam = teaching, exposition that happens with discipline which form the base from which to cultivate one’s spiritual life

Do you know what sucks? PPD sucks

Postpartum depression (PPD) robs me of time with my children. It rots my marriage with painful words. It isolates me from my friends. It causes me to doubt everything I say or do. It makes me feel like everyone, especially my children, would be better off without me here. When I feel this bad, after I’ve submerged myself into the depths of self-abuse and self-hatred, it is easy to glom onto any floating object that could keep me from going under.

I’m working through Yoga Sutra 1.1: “Now is the time for Yoga.” So, of course when I’m struggling with these uncomfortable thoughts that are brought up from PPD, my smart-aleck brain sing-songs “Nananah! Now is the time for Yoga.” But, Yoga is not another 12 step program for self-improvement to being somewhere someone else. It is a fundamental shift in consciousness.

It is terribly easy to get caught up in the quick fix, shiny blue pill or program that will instantly evolve me into that perfectly carefree, ultimately patient person. This causes me more pain because I’m still working with the paradigm that I am not where I need to be-that things will be better if only…

It looks and feels like I’m doing. The positive feedback both internally and externally from those close to me is heady. But, inevitably, I splash back into the PPD well, only to grab the next life-preserver floating by.

Now is the time for Yoga. I have been asking how I might utilize this sutra without improving, evolving or struggling. Now, I have been sitting with these thoughts in meditation for three days (hey, it’s a start!)-formal, seated meditation. Sometimes, I cram in five minutes. One time, I eked out fifteen whole minutes before someone wailed for mama. This meditative stillness is when I have caught myself and stopped struggling. I float down into stillness; down into the water and watch those thoughts float by me. I notice them and let them go. I bring this stillness with me as I break the surface and plunge into the next parenting task. I notice the kids are calmer with me post-meditation, too. At least for a moment or two, we all have a break from the mire of PPD.

On the worst moments of my worst days, this practice is my way of being fully present in all of its discomfort. I spend more time than I would like puddling in my bed instead of being with my children. I say things that cause pain to my husband. I believe everyone would be better off without me. I have the guilt from these things. It is awful to be in this place.

Now is the time for Yoga. This awful place is where I am. These uncomfortable thoughts are my thoughts. I know that none of these are me, but struggling against these beliefs will lead me to self-improvement instead of shifting where I am. I believe this is one of the ways I am creating the shift in myself. I’m not striving to be better or un-depressed. I’m practicing and the practice is all there is. I’m not setting goals or deadlines. I’m trying to float under the surface, in this dirty water.

Right here, right now. Yoga. Parenting off the mat.