Through the Garden Gate

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I used to think my vision for how my life should be wasn’t happening because I was doing something wrong. If I just tried harder, stopped being distracted by things, and really committed with my entire heart, everything would fall into place.  My family would enjoy more harmony, I could get to the projects I want to do but never find the time, and I’d have time to just be. In fact, more time would just materialize.

 

It’s a common misconception that derives from trying to retain control. I’ll make time and people bend to my will because I’m doing it all better. I can change what I’m doing wrong and cut the excess an it will come to me. I’m the one at fault. I’m the one in charge. The buck stops here, baby.

 

I was struggling. The truth is, I am not in control. Sure, I can control how I act, for the most part, and how I react, for the most part. But, I’m not in charge of it all. And it’s really hard to deal with that. I’m reading this and I still want to respond with more about being in control of my life.

 

Personally, I go for guilt and rejection when I’m honest about not being in control.  It’s almost fun to feel bad again because it’s a familiar place. It’s hard not to lose myself in the idea of never being enough and that there’s something wrong with that. That’s another form of control.

 

But really, when I strip away all the layers of control and I simply trust, it’s like relaxing into a field of clover. I can no more stop the love I have for life than I can stop the sun shining. I can feel that mirrored back at me many times. But, only when I let go and that’s a difficult place for me to stay. It’s a difficult place for me to believe in when I’m not right there, smelling the fresh green beneath my body.

 

Writing, for me, is raw creation. It’s nurturing (I’m not certain who for.) It feeds something within me that I have yet to do in any other way. At the same time, it’s also draining and frightening to open up and to show it to myself or someone else. I’ve spent the last seven years creating, nurturing, and draining intensely. This past year was even more so and I fell into the pattern of doing better to materialize writing time then guilt and rejection when it didn’t happen.

 

So, this is my leap of faith to write again every day for a month, without control, without thinking I’ll somehow have extra time or sleep or family harmony to make it happen. I may not make it, but I’m doing my best to spend the month out of control. I hope I’ll find more love, joy, peace, and happiness, but I’m not making a bargain this time that if I work hard, I’ll get it. I’m going to play at being curious instead. I’ve pushed the gate wide open and I’m running for the clover fields before it even clicks shut.

 

See you tomorrow!

NaBloPoMo

3 thoughts on “Through the Garden Gate

  1. Lovely to see you back, Z! I can very much relate to the feeling that, if I just buckle down, things will get better. I find myself having thoughts like that even about my eczema (if I were a better person, I wouldn’t have these dry, itchy patches of skin), which is pretty ridiculous when I’m not stuck inside that thought.

I love comments and try to reply to each one. I look forward to connecting with you. Namaste

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