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Wanted Dead or Alive: One Jolly Old Elf

Posted in Mindfulness, tagged Asana, Business and Economy, Candy, Candy cane, Charles Dickens, Child, Christmas, Christmas Carol, Deck the Halls, Family, forgiveness, Forgiving, Four Rooms, Ghost of Christmas Present, Gift, Gift basket, Gift giving, Gifts, giving, Gratitude, Holiday, holiday giving, holiday parenting, holiday season, holidays, Home, how to give a gift, how to receieve a gift, mindfulness, Mother, North Pole, Parent, parenting, parenting and candy, present, PsychoAnal Gifts, receiving, receiving gifts, Santa, Santa Claus on December 30, 2011 | 4 Comments »

Part 7 in my Series on Giving and Forgiving

You can also read Part 1: Deck the Halls with PsychoAnal Gifts, Part 2: The Spirit of Giving and Forgiving, Part 3: Balancing the Four Rooms, Part 4: The Candy Cane Crux, and Part 5: Why I Don’t Believe in Santa Claus, and Part 6: A Parenting Carol: Being A Ghost Story of Christmas.

Wanted: Santa

This jolly old elf is responsible for the crime of calling attention to a major problem in my home.

Clutter.

I was almost through wrapping presents when I began feeling slightly ill. There was so much stuff! How were my kids going to deal with so many things? I don’t know how many gifts are too many, but somewhere during the wrapping, I crossed that line.

More stuff was coming into my already overstuffed house. And once something comes into my house, the odds are good that it will stay.

If the item is for my husband, it stays. He keeps everything. I don’t judge him for that. He kept everything when I met him and he still has everything all these years later. I’m sure his junior high girl friend would be pleased to know he still has the notes she passed to him in class. Every computer he has ever owned is in our garage. Ski boots that are too small have accompanied us over four moves, and he doesn’t even ski. I managed to pass on those ski boots, but it took him 10 years to let them go.

If the items coming into the house are for the kids, they most likely fit well into my weak spot: educational play. The possibilities for learning and fun are enough for me to keep the toy. It doesn’t matter whether they have no interest in it or if it is a marginally different repeat of one we already have. The mere possibility that the kids might enjoy and learn gives it a home. I can always justify it for when they kids get bigger or because they each have different personalities, perhaps one would take to it better. I’ve got a million rationalizations, but the truth is a bit deeper.

If the gifts are for me, however, I can downsize without much effort. I used to have a problem with holding on to things, but I went through a semi-obsessed purge after losing my daughter. Since then, I am more detached from objects. Apparently, this is not uncommon after a loss. I remember my midwife saying that she has seen many mothers include their partners in the purge. While I kept my purge to inanimate objects, I can see how easy it would be to toss relationships while in that mindset after a loss. My hold on reality was tenuous. I was directly confronting the transience of objects and of existence. There were no possibilities or future for me, I existed in the present. But, not in a good way.

I think this flirtation with death is part of why I have trouble letting go of the toys for the kids, too. I can’t face the possibility of their impermanence. I balk at detachment to their bright futures. Their things are tangible representations for me of their futures.vAnd, possibly, through them my own mortality can be hidden from me.

Afrikaans: 'n Klassieke Westerse uitbeelding v...

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I’m staring at Saint Nick and seeing the grim reaper.

And that’s where I think the entire winter season of holidays and observances is rooted. It’s human nature to fear the dark and trust the light. The longest night also heralds the return of more light. Neither is permanent. Each is a balance. Impermanence and inevitability. Staying attached to either won’t create anything but suffering. Light and dark will change whether I hold on to one of them anyway. Death and life are natural, but not something we enjoy thinking about all of the time.

The possibilities of impermanence are still far more palatable to me than remaining static and unchanging, even if it means facing immortality.

When I look at gifts as a representation of possibility, they also seem to be an affirmation of life. I believe it is this, slightly misplaced, ideal that we hold when we give too much and hold onto it all. And the converse can be true when we feel we don’t deserve joy or life, when we can’t receive or hold onto gifts that are given to us.

What do you think about the symbology of gifts as potential joy and wishes for life? Can you give too many gifts when viewed this way? Do you have trouble getting rid of, or the opposite, holding onto everything that is given to you?

Remember, anonymous comments are always welcome. I’d love to hear from you.

***

Questions from Part 1: Have you ever been charged for receiving a gift? Do you have expectations when you give to someone else?
Questions from Part 2: Do you feel that giving and receiving freely is important or is a gift a gift? What do you think about the concept that giving objects are a representation of the feelings inside?
Questions from Part 3: Do you visit the four rooms of your house? Are there any areas you need to offer the key of self-forgiveness before you unlock them?
Questions from Part 4: How do you handle candy in your family? Is giving candy in a separate category from giving gifts? Why or why not?
Questions from Part 5: How do you reconcile the idea of Santa Claus with your worldview? Do you treat the magic of childhood as something intertwined with the spirit of giving and forgiving?
Questions from Part 6: If you were visited by the ghosts of parenting past, present and future, what would your visits look like? Would you see joy and pain in the past? How does that inform your present? And how do you think it will affect your children’s future relationship with you?

I hope you will feel moved to respond, especially on your own blog or here, as a guest post. I’ll happily share responses that add to this interesting discussion.

This article contains all original content by TouchstoneZ.com and is protected by copyright. If you are viewing this post on another site than TouchstoneZ.com please notify the author at zoie.touchstonez(at)gmail.com

Image Credit: Kevin Dooley on Flickr

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A Parenting Carol: Being A Ghost Story of Christmas

Posted in Guest Writer, Parenting, Peace, tagged Asana, Business and Economy, Candy, Candy cane, Charles Dickens, Child, Christmas, Christmas Carol, Deck the Halls, Family, forgiveness, Forgiving, Ghost of Christmas Present, Gift, Gift basket, Gift giving, Gifts, giving, Gratitude, Holiday, holiday giving, holiday parenting, holiday season, holidays, Home, how to give a gift, how to receieve a gift, mindfulness, Mother, North Pole, Parent, parenting, parenting and candy, present, receiving, receiving gifts, Santa, Santa Claus on December 23, 2011 | 1 Comment »

Part 6 in my Series on Giving and Forgiving

You can also read Part 1: Deck the Halls with PsychoAnal Gifts, Part 2: The Spirit of Giving and Forgiving, Part 3: Balancing the Four Rooms, Part 4: The Candy Cane Crux, and Part 5: Why I Don’t Believe in Santa Claus.

I have been incredibly moved by the response to this series. Thank you to everyone who has reached out to connect. While I was writing one of the posts in this series, I realized I was aching to hear from the voices of parents I admire. One of these is the guest writer today. What she shares here has far exceeded my expectations. I gets to the heart of the many facets of giving and forgiving yourself and those you love. Today, I am honored to present a ghost post from Vickie of Demand Euphoria.

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Cover of A Christmas Carol

You’re a parent of a young child. You are struggling with exhaustion and complicated life issues. You are pretty sure you want to be a gentle parent, but you are finding it more and more difficult to do so as your child gets older. Today was a particularly difficult day, in which your child had more than a few meltdowns, and subsequently so did you…

It’s the middle of the night. You wake up from a sound sleep when you hear a noise. You are used to waking up to comfort your child who still doesn’t sleep through the night, but tonight is different. Your child is still blissfully asleep. You wake up into a dream-like state, to hear a strange voice with an even stranger message: Tonight, you will be visited by three spirits…

You are pretty sure it’s part of a dream, so you roll over and continue your sleep. Another voice wakes you up shortly after. There is a person next to your bed. You are scared but the person looks friendly, and explains she is the ghost of parenting past.

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The ghost whisks you away to your childhood home. You are looking in the window at a scene from your childhood. You see yourself at the same age as your child is now. You have your head hanging in shame as your mother is yelling at you. You remember the day well.

You didn’t want to bother your mother while she was sleeping, so you tried to pour yourself a glass of milk. The jug was heavy and you spilled milk all over the kitchen counter and floor. In trying to clean it up by yourself, you only made the mess even bigger.

Your mother walked in. She didn’t ask questions. She only yelled. She yelled about how naughty you were. She commanded you to come over so she could hit you. Then she sent you to your room. You were still thirsty.

Watching this scene again as an adult is particularly painful. You want to go give your younger self a hug and a big glass of milk. You want to go tell your mom that if she had only asked for an explanation, she would not have reacted that way.

Now you start to see flashes of other scenes from your childhood. All different times when you were called naughty, punished, and sent away. All different times when you were misunderstood. When you needed something and no one asked you what it was.

Suddenly you are back in your bed at home. You go to check on your child and are relieved to find her still asleep. Another voice echos from the other room. It’s the ghost of parenting present.

This ghost shows you times when your child is happiest, when you are gentle, supportive, in tune with her needs. When you have time for her. When you put down whatever you are busy with and play with her. When you get involved in things she is most interested in, even if that means watching the same movie for the third time in one day. You even get to watch a scene of your daughter telling her friends what a nice mommy she has.

This ghost also shows the struggles. You watch as your child gets overwhelmed with life, collapses into your arms and feels safe. You watch the times when you are better at handling the difficulties, when your own needs are met. You watch the times when you are drained and your child’s meltdown leads to one of your own. You know it’s because you are tired, you are frustrated, you feel helpless.

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Back in your bed, another voice: the ghost of parenting future.

You are looking at yourself in twenty years. You are awaiting the arrival of a someone special. Your child walks up the path to your house, baby in arms. You open the door and greet each other with big smiles and warm hugs. She is as excited to see you as you are to see her.

The future scenes are exciting. You are friends with your grown child. You do fun things together. You talk about everything that matters. She trusts you. She wants you in her life. You have succeeded in the most important way, by upholding your half of this beautiful relationship with your child.

*************

Window on Parenting. Photo Credit: Ghost Writer

What would your visits look like?

What scenes would the ghost show you from your past? Times when your parents misunderstood you and your relationship suffered? Times when you were punished and made to feel ashamed and guilty?

What would it be like to watch yourself as a child in these situations again? Did you deserve to be treated that way? What did these experiences do for your relationship with your parents?

What about the present? If you could watch yourself be a parent to your child from outside your body, would you be proud of how you are handling yourself? Would you see lots of scenes of relationship-building, of strengthening your bond with your child?

Would you see yourself apologizing when you haven’t been the parent you know you want to be? Are you being the friend to your child now that you hope to be in the future?

And what about the future? Will your child look forward to spending time with you? Will she trust you? Will your relationship be strong and healthy? Will she have other healthy and beautiful relationships?

This was inspired by all of the different versions of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol that we have watched on television this holiday season. If only we could all be visited by these three ghosts…

Asking yourself these questions can help you find the true spirit of giving and forgiving. I hope you will feel moved to respond, especially on your own blog or here, as a guest post. I’ll happily share responses that add to this interesting discussion.

Remember, anonymous comments are always welcome. I’d love to hear from you.

***

Vickie is the mother of two children, ages 5 and 2. She writes about gentle parenting and unschooling at Demand Euphoria.

Questions from Part 1: Have you ever been charged for receiving a gift? Do you have expectations when you give to someone else?
Questions from Part 2: Do you feel that giving and receiving freely is important or is a gift a gift? What do you think about the concept that giving objects are a representation of the feelings inside?
Questions from Part 3: Do you visit the four rooms of your house? Are there any areas you need to offer the key of self-forgiveness before you unlock them?
Questions from Part 4: How do you handle candy in your family? Is giving candy in a separate category from giving gifts? Why or why not?
Questions from Part 5: How do you reconcile the idea of Santa Claus with your worldview? Do you treat the magic of childhood as something intertwined with the spirit of giving and forgiving?