Inspired by Sausage Mama, I am writing a monthly letter to my children. I hope to capture these moments in time because they go so quickly. To quote Amber Strocel, “blink and you miss it.” (two great, positive blogs, please check them out)
I hope you will join me in writing a monthly letter to your children and linking it up here. Feel free to grab the badge for your website and let me know when you post so I can add you to the list of participants.
Dear Little Buddhas,
You’re 4y 9m old now. We’re going on a date night tonight. I’m really looking forward to it. Your dad noticed this morning that you were feeling a bit grumpy and after reflecting about it, felt you had been receiving a lot of “no’s” lately. So, I’m taking you out for some one on one attention. I told you that you could decide where to go and you said, “pizza, salad and frozen yogurt!” So, that’s what we’ll do.
This month, you earned your first belt promotion in jujitsu. You’re a white belt-black stripe and so proud of yourself for working hard. You keep talking about having, “respect for my teachers because they have respect for me and my hard work.” I just hope you’re having fun. I see you pushing yourself because you love the challenge and my heart swells with pride over that. I could care less about anything else as long as you are having fun and doing what you love.
You’re 2y 8m old now. I have been enjoying the affection you’ve been showing this month. It seems your favorite verbal games alternate between repeating, “I love you, mama” and “I love you, stinky poopy peepee head.” I bet I can guess which will stick around the longest. The “poo and pee” references are cracking you up and you seem to expect everyone else to laugh, too, and I sometimes worry that you’ll run into a bigger kid who doesn’t understand you’re being funny and not mean. It’s hard for me not to hover, but to let you be your free-spirit self.
I’m coming to understand you more as you grow. I find you complex, which is surprising to me since you’re not even three, yet. It’s hard for me to tell how you will react to things, but I’m becoming more able to accept this and not try to make you do things in ways that don’t honor what you need.
I’m glad your first set of two year molars are in. That. Is. All.
You are 9mo now. You’re in that push and pull stage that I adore. You feel the push to explore and the pull for comfort from your trusted parents. I watch you standing up in free space and just waiting to take that mental jump into walking out into it unsupported. And it is a huge shift toward independence. I can see it in your face every time you begin to do it, you turn and sign for mama milk or to be picked up. But, the considering is becoming longer and the comfort requests are getting shorter. I see this time at the end of the first year as always being on the cusp of something new. You are surprisingly agile and rarely thump your noggin. I remember your big brothers having perpetual forehead bruises at the same age, but you’re much more deliberate. You always have been-fearless, trusting and self-assured.
Your smile still lights me up when I walk in the room. If I’m feeling down or self-doubting, all I need is that ego boost from baby love and I know all will be well. Maybe I won’t screw up my kids after all if someone could love and trust me this much.
My baby girl, you would be 3y 7m old now. It’s difficult for me this time of year because I remember the surprise of finding out I was pregnant. It was my first experience with debunking the nursing-on-demand-as-birth-control. I had such a mix of emotions, and, honestly, I didn’t want to be pregnant again so soon. I have a lot of guilt that you weren’t wanted for awhile. In my warped PPD brain, I was able to self-flagellate that it was part of the reason you died. I know that isn’t true and I wouldn’t change it anyway. It made my falling in love with you and letting you go, all the more powerful for its transformation. Every spring when the apple tree blossoms, I look on them and love you. I’m grateful to you. I miss you.
Spring is our renewal time. We always tend to take stock on what will be for the year. I know I came to life for the first time, every time, each of you was born. I feel rebirth all over again since shaking off the PPDemons. I can find you again. I can see you again. Breathe you again. Love you again. Without running for safety into my bedroom.
If you would like to participate in the Letters to Littles Project, feel free to link up your post. Letters are written during the last week of the month, but feel free to write and link up whenever you feel inspired. And don’t forget to click over and Grab the badge (it’s set up to promote the project, not my personal page. So you won’t find my name on it):
Letters to Littles Participants:
Pop by their blogs and leave a little comment love, won’t ya’?