I knew I had to… moment

Every MONDAY join us. Write, post, link-up, share your story and your voice. Be part of carrying the weight of confidence, empowerment and share our mission to empower, inspire, and remind women, parents and children that the time has come to celebrate ourselves! This week we were asked to post a Just.Be.Enough moment based on the beginning words: I just knew I had to

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I never wanted to have children. September 11th clinched that for me. I didn’t want to bring children into a world of pain and hate. I wanted to help increase peace and tolerance in the world through my own life. I felt that bringing an innocent into the world was cruel and that they were better never being born.

I lived into my thirties content with my decision to be child-free. I had little interest in other people’s children, mostly because I couldn’t relate to them.

But, I have this pervasive habit of questioning my own assumptions about things (I even question my belief that I have this habit) The more I delved into Yogic philosophy, the more I began questioning my assumptions about joy and life-affirming actions in the face of hatred.

I knew I wanted to create peace and understand intolerance with my life, but I had no idea how to follow this passion. I tried many paths along the way and thought I had finally found it with Yoga and teaching. But, it still wasn’t enough and I questioned this, too.

My studies led me to learn to teach prenatal yoga and yoga for children. It was an odd choice for someone who had no interest in children or pregnancy. I was an only child and I had never held a baby. Why did I feel a calling to teach those who wanted what I didn’t want?

It was during a third prenatal training with Judith Hanson Lasater that I had the notion that becoming a doula sounded intriguing. And it occurred to me that my beliefs had shifted from wanting to be child-free to “I don’t know.”

And that was enough. I knew I would never be sure. I knew I was comfortable being in the not-knowing space. I knew, in that moment, I had to be open to the possibility of having children.

Granted, I didn’t comprehend what becoming a parent entails. If I had, I would never have done it.

I did become a parent. I found my life path. This is not a rosy, sugary, slow motion horseride into the sunset kind of story. It has been the hardest thing I have ever and will ever do. But, I’m doing it.

These little beings have created peace and tolerance in the world through their lives. In this moment. With every breath.

19 thoughts on “I knew I had to… moment

  1. Wow – what an incredible journey to parenthood! I’m so glad you were open to life’s little signals to you. I think it’s so interesting that you were drawn to teaching prenatal yoga and children’s yoga and being a doula before becoming a parent, You are clearly doing what you were meant to do now, and I’m so glad.

    Thanks for linking up at Green & Natural Mamas Thursday again!

  2. A lot of times, a direct journey would just be boring. 🙂 Thanks for sharing the story of your road to parenthood with its curves and twists. (I came here from the Just Be Enough linkup.)

  3. Wow. I didn’t know all this about you. I’ve only really known you as Mother…
    This is a very interesting idea… being enough…
    I think I hear a deep deep down “eeek” at the thought.
    I guess that means I’m in!
    Thank you for sharing more of yourself. Your courage and honesty always inspires me.
    xoxoxoxoxoxxoo

  4. I don’t know if the theme of maternal ambivalence I’m seeing this week is a planned thing or not… but it sure is reassuring.

    I’m glad you chose to be a parent, and to begin writing about it; you are inspiring to me, and I’m glad to call you friend.

    We are enough.

  5. My plan is to live the rest of my life child-free. I have not 100% ruled out a child in my future but right now it’s 90% towards no kids. I am more comfortable with it than most people around me (i.e. my MOM). 🙂

    Growing up I never thought about having kids because I just assumed I would. It was the Filipino way. Like going to college… You just did it. It was the natural progression. A few years ago I realized that I didn’t have to and I’ve warmed up considerably to that idea. I love my niece and I love babies but my own? I just don’t think I want to do it. It would require so much of me that I’m not sure I’m capable of giving. But I’m young enough still. You never know…

    • Thank you, Yogitastic. That was my plan, although if asked, I would’ve said, “100% and then some.” It’s good to keep questioning with the beginner’s mind like you are. I wasn’t and I think that’s why it hit me like a ton of bricks for awhile (and possibly made me more susceptible to PPD) Had I kept that, “you never know…” questioning, I would have been in a healthier place.

      Whatever you end up deciding, I’ll support you 100% 🙂

  6. What an interesting concept, this Just Be Enough. I’m glad you introduced it to me, Zoie. Thank you for sharing so honestly about your journey into parenthood, too. It’s amazing how life brings us opportunities we never knew we wanted!

    • Thank you, Melissa. I found it when I was writing because I had a parenting day that I didn’t feel I was strong enough to make it through. I ended up chanting the mantra, “I am enough” and then googled it to see if anyone else did it, too. Happily, I found this blog (and I have to admit that I’m using prompts as crutches for NaBloWriMo)

  7. “Granted, I didn’t comprehend what becoming a parent entails. If I had, I would never have done it.”

    I love this. It just about sums up how I feel about parenting. I love being a mom, but it’s a good thing the brochure was misleading or I might never have signed up for this particular trip.

I love comments and try to reply to each one. I look forward to connecting with you. Namaste

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