I was feeling stupid in the middle of the room with martini-drinking, well-coiffed, pencil-skirted women. They had the vocabulary for our conversations readily available to them. I needed an extra tick or two just to recall non-child words for contemporary issues. And it was reflected on the faces of the women I was talking with. I noticed that I was subtly being cut out of the conversation. Even though I could hit the occasional lob, I wasn’t worth serving to because I was an inevitable ace for the other side of the net.
I went home dejected with a serious blow to my ego. I couldn’t recall the parts of my brain being excised, but they were no longer there for me. My experience felt expanded, yet my ability to think with facility had been pruned.
But, then I realized that the flip side of this was that I wasn’t able to sleep some nights because I had so much on my mind. When I focused on it, I saw that my simultaneous processing power far outreached anything I was remotely capable of even comprehending in my pre-child days.
I remember feeling overwhelmed then, but it was nothing compared to the amount of
things plates I had to keep spinning after children. I was the server instead of the user.
Aside from not being able to sleep, another downside to this multiplicity is that I have trouble being present with my children at times. Fortunately, I have a built-in meditation timer. That’s where breastfeeding comes in. It is a periodic, enforced time to sit and just be. Both my sons and I slow down then physically and emotionally reconnect.
It’s a reboot to update the software.
I believe in a multivariate universe where each individual’s voice has intrinsic value. I value the pencil-skirted, martini drinkers for their whipsmart tongues. I bring a different approach to the conversation now. It may not always be honored or even heard by others, but I don’t really find that important to me anymore. I’ve got too many other things on my mind.
And the precious programmed breastfeeding time to deeply inhale of the many meanings of what is significant.
- Once More with Feeling (touchstonez.com)
- Breastfeeding Flavors (touchstonez.com)
- Wordless Wednesday: Tandem Breastfeeding Holding Hands (touchstonez.com)