This NaBloPoMo has been an experiment for me to find my boundaries. In this spirit, I offer this unedited, stream of consciousness as I puzzle over something. I invite you to join me in speaking your truth, today.
Update: I chickened out and wasn’t going to post this, but I’m running out of time to write something to post today and my babies need me. So, up goes the experiment for better or worse…and no spell check either. eep…
I’m wrestling with truth. I need to find truth. I need to feel it. I need to speak it. I need to embody it.
But what if my truth would cause someone else pain?
Does it make it any less true to speak it?
The gurus I go to say that if I seek the highest truth; we are on the right path. Yet, I’m obviously missing something because I can’t reconcile parts of my truth with causing pain.
I have already spoken about my stillbirth and I know it has triggered some people. Yet, I believe those who say this triggering was in a cathartic manner. I still worry about causing harm every time I speak about it.
I have already spoken about the memories of abuse I have uncovered this year and I know it has caused harm. I have had some people close to me turn away or end our relationship. I have had people I love, barely know or don’t know at all react in extreme anger toward me. I know these are fear-based reactions. But, they are evidence of my harming them.
I have written about mistakes and shortcomings I have made, and continue to make as a parent. I have questioned whether I should be parenting at all because of my history and painfully slow process through recovery. And I’ve had commenters tell me I’m right. I’m broken and shouldn’t be a parent. They would be better off without me.
There’s a lot of hate out there.
There’s not a lot of hate inside me.
I understand where those reactions are coming from and it hurts my heart. But, it does not decrease the compassion I feel for them.
Besides, there’s not a single thing someone else could say to me that I didn’t say to myself when I had PPD. Actually, I said much worse to myself than anyone has ever said.
I feel that being silent causes more harm than speaking. I don’t think a lot of people are ready to hear things and it can cause harm. I know I have blind spots and limitations that cause me to be less than accepting of things at times. I try my best to get there, even when it means apologizing when I come up short.
So, when a nasty comment arrives in my inbox, it is with compassion that I hit delete. (Although I reserve the right to publish a comment that adds to the discussion after removing any identifying information)
So, here I sit on my tiny box o’ soap, speaking my truth. It may not be your truth. And this is where the separation can come in and allow for harm. I like to sit in the comforting idea that truth may appear to cause harm, but is actually healing in the end. But, this may be one of those delusions to make life tolerable.
We’re always bouncing off of one another-big balls of needs. Even with the best of intentions, these needs cannot all be met, but we can compromise and decide that everyone else is holding one another as equal in importance when we subsume our needs for a greater good. Like, not eating all the cake so that it can be shared with your family when everyone is home.
My truth may be that I got the smallest piece. My partner’s truth may be that he got the smallest piece. We’re both right because those are our truths. Surrendering to this and not having to be right may not make me feel better about getting the smallest piece, but it’s up to me to decide how to feel about it.
Back to my original idea. If I suppose that the belief of getting the smallest piece of cake is actually a huge problem for someone, how do I speak my truth about getting the smallest piece without causing them harm?
I can’t. If getting the smallest piece of cake is a huge deal to me and I have to speak about it, it will cause the other person harm. And I suppose it comes down to whether a) my intentions for speaking my truth are pure and unmotivated by ego (other than the need to speak-and that’s a trick to get caught in and must be kept in check) b) there will be greater healing than pain caused by speaking than by staying silent and c) the other person’s truth is also honored and upheld as equally important.
So, I don’t really have an answer to the problem of truth. I’m working toward a usable model as I plan a future post on NVC needs and speaking truth.
Thank you for reading to the end of this stream of consciousness. As I said, this is an experiment. I’m testing myself a bit this month-trying to do a few things that scare me about blogging and writing (poem, guest posts, tackling hard issues, vlog, etc)Honestly, this is the most frightening thing I’ve ever posted because it’s completely unedited. I’m writing this directly in my browser and will click publish momentarily. Eek!
Have you ever rambled on about an issue in your head? Specifically truth? Where do you stand on speaking truth and trying not to cause harm? I would love to hear your own conscious streams in the comments.
- Without Arjuna Within (touchstonez.com)
- #365yoga Day 314: Tell the Truth (or Yama Yo Mama!) (sarahsana.wordpress.com)
- The Truth is… (eatdrinkloveandexercise.com)
- Daily Kiss:: You can HANDLE the TRUTH! (enjoyingthejourneys.com)