*There is a trigger warning on this post for prenatal depression*
Writing gestates and is a birth for me.
I’ve been all-day sick during this pregnancy. I haven’t handled the relentless nausea with much grace, and have pushed aside the complex emotions I’ve been dealing with.
I stopped speaking. I stopped writing beyond a few sentences at a time. Allowing my blog to languish and my writing ambitions to fade has been fairly easy, which was a surprise.
Twitter on my phone has been my lifeline to the outside world as I attempted to parent huddled in a blanket on my bathroom floor.
This baby is wanted and loved. But, my feelings about this pregnancy are complex and I didn’t feel like I could speak about them. Until I did, in this series of tweets at 14 weeks pregnant. It broke the silence. I’m beginning to feel alive again.
Things you can’t say when you’re pregnant: This was a mistake. I’m wrecking my family. My marriage. I can’t take care of my family or myself.
Things you can’t say when you’re pregnant: I’m sick & sad. It’s too hard. It’s isolating to not be happy all the time as expected.
Things you can’t say when you’re pregnant because if anything bad happens you’ll know somewhere deep inside you made it happen.
Things you can’t say when you’re pregnant because if everything turns out alright, you’ll always know the shame of this part of you. Always.
Things you can’t say when you’re pregnant because if you do, you’re a bad mom. Ungrateful. Undeserving. Inhuman. Dangerous.